A woman in midlife explains that she is angry all the time and asks is rage during perimenopause normal? And, if it is, how does she get back to her usual, more balanced self? Jessica explains the many reasons why women experience rage during perimenopause and then offers some ways to manage the anger.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
Is Rage During Perimenopause Normal?
HEY JESSICA: Why am I so angry all the time? I feel like things that I used to be able to handle send me over the edge these days. Sometimes it feels justified, sometimes I know I’m not being rational, but the anger is real and feels like it takes over my body. Is this a midlife crisis? Perimenopause? Or have I just become a really angry person? I’d really love to get back to my normal self. Help! ~I’m Not An “Angry Woman”
Dear NOT AN “ANGRY WOMAN”: You are SO not alone on the anger you are feeling. Almost weekly, I hear from women who are struggling to manage their anger and wondering is rage during perimenopause normal. I’m here to tell you that the rage is real and it can be incredibly uncomfortable, especially since, as women, we were taught to suppress such feelings and definitely not act on them.
There are a number of reasons why you could be experiencing this anger. The reality is that there is a lot of tension and stress in our world these days and this could be your reaction to it. Similarly, many people, both men and women, experience an increase in anger as they enter midlife and begin to sort through the many emotions related to this transitional time in our lives. And then there are the hormonal shifts that happen in perimenopause, which can lead to lots of emotional reactions, including rage.
I want to dig into the perimenopause piece a tiny bit because I think understanding what is happening can help you to navigate the huge feelings you are experiencing. Do you remember the mood swings during puberty? In essence, that is exactly what is happening to our bodies now, just kind of in reverse. During puberty, our hormone levels soared as our bodies developed. During perimenopause, on the other hand, our estrogen levels drop (one could even say plummet). Unfortunately, estrogen plays an important role in the production of serotonin, which is essential for both mood stabilization and happiness. So, when we experience a drop in estrogen, we also experience a drop in serotonin, which means that we can feel sad or angry. Over time, our bodies will adjust to the new estrogen levels and our moods should even out, but throughout perimenopause our bodies can struggle to make sense of what is going on—this can feel like a consistent change in mood throughout the perimenopausal journey or it can come in waves as our brains acclimate to a drop in estrogen, restabilize, and then a month or two later respond to yet another drop. So, if you are also experiencing other perimenopausal symptoms such as irregular periods, drop in libido, trouble sleeping, unexplainable weight gain, or vaginal dryness, these hormonal shifts may very well be influencing these strong emotional reactions you are having.
Whether it’s your hormones or other external forces, there are things you can do so that you don’t feel as if you have lost yourself. First, acknowledge and accept that the anger is real. Suppressing your feelings is not going to resolve the issue and may, in fact, deepen it. Then, you can start to look at what might be setting your anger off—i.e., what your triggers are. It could be that you are more apt to get angry when you are tired, hungry, or even dehydrated. But it could also be that there are certain things that you used to put up with but aren’t prepared to stand for anymore. If this is the case, then acknowledging them and then finding a way to release the anger and deal with the issues constructively may be in order.
There are many ways that you can shift your responses. The first is to just acknowledge the feelings and ask whether your response is proportional to the irritation. If not, then finding ways to calm yourself before you handle the issue may be helpful. There are the classic ways to do this such as taking deep breaths, taking a break, going for a walk, journaling, etc. But if those aren’t helping, then it may be time to look at some broader options to help you stay a bit more balanced. These could include meditation (which has been shown to reduce anxiety and anger over time), finding a creative or physical outlet (e.g., music or an exercise routine that boosts your mood), therapy (if you have big feelings that you need help processing), or medication (this could look like either some support with your hormone fluctuations or using an anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication to help you make it through this stage). If it feels like it is too much to handle or you just can’t shake these feelings, then I encourage you to seek help from your doctor because it doesn’t need to be this hard.
Finally, I want to be clear that you should not feel guilty about your anger. There are many legitimate reasons, both internal and external, that can lead to such feelings, But I hope that some of these suggestions will help you to discover what the source might be for you and then to manage these powerful emotions so that you can feel more at peace with yourself. You deserve it!