A concerned mom worries that relatives will overwhelm her teen with questions about the college applications process at family gatherings. Jessica shares ways of stopping the college questions without creating drama.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
Stopping the College Questions
HEY JESSICA: My daughter is a senior in high school and so we’re in the middle of the nightmare that is known as applying for college. She recently finished her first round of applications (she’ll do some more in January), and is seriously burned out. She’s also really worried out about whether or not she will get into the schools she loves (especially with how stupidly competitive the whole process has become) and also what people will think of wherever she ends up (if it isn’t “prestigious” enough). We’re about to go spend the holiday with family who put a lot of value on going to a “great” school because they all went to top-tier colleges and universities, and I know that they are going to want to talk about her choices a lot. They all mean well and just want to show interest, but I also know it will be the last thing she wants to talk about. So I need helping stopping the college questions. How can I protect my daughter while also not upsetting my family members who do have the best of intentions, but who can also come across as super judgmental? ~A Protective Mom
DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM:
First of all, kudos to you, both for seeing your daughter like that and for thinking ahead about how you can help her to navigate this sticky situation. It is true that the college application process has gotten really out of hand and the pressure that this is putting on kids is way too much. And it is also true that unless you have kids around that age, you likely aren’t aware of how much things have changed since we were applying for college (I definitely couldn’t get into the schools I got into back then if I were showing up with the same application package today).
Given all of that, with the goal of stopping the college questions, I would recommend a two-pronged approach: make a plan with your daughter and, with her permission, reach out to family ahead of time.
As far as your daughter goes, if she has already mentioned to you that she is dreading these sorts of questions and conversations, then you can just go right into coming up with a plan. But, if she hasn’t mentioned it to you, then I would first check in with her to see how she is feeling about it – it could, after all, be something that you are worrying about for her, but that she is taking in stride (kids are often way more resilient than we give them credit for). If you need to check in with her first, I would recommend starting with an open-ended question or set of questions so that you aren’t planting a seed of worry that doesn’t need to be there. For instance, I would start by asking something like, “so, are you excited to see everyone at Thanksgiving this year?” If she expresses any sort of apathy or reluctance, then I would ask why – let her share her concerns with you. If the college conversations come up, then I would strategize about what her response could be to probing questions. It might be something like, “the process has been really tiring, so I decided to give myself a break and not think or talk about colleges during this break.” Or, “I applied to schools X, Y, and Z. I am really excited about them, but we’ll just have to see what happens since the process has become so competitive.” And, if the family members aren’t getting the hint, then adding something like, “I know you are really curious, but this is a stressful topic for me, but I’d love to tell you about _____.” Could be a great response. If, on the other hand, the college questions just aren’t on her radar, then I recommend expressing your happiness that she is excited and then mentioning that sometimes at these things grown-ups will ask lots of questions about colleges. Explain that they’re just doing it because they care, but if it gets to be too much, she can always tell them that she doesn’t feel like talking about it while she’s on break.
Now, as for the other family members, first I’d check in with your daughter to see if she’d like you to say anything to them (she may, after all, find that SUPER embarrassing – insert eyeroll here – and feel that she can handle it just fine on her own). If she’s comfortable with you doing so, I think reaching out to them ahead of time to ask nicely that they not focus on colleges when talking to your daughter is absolutely acceptable. In terms of what to say, I might say something like, “I just wanted to give you a heads-up that, while we’re really excited about [insert your daughter’s name here]’s college prospects for next year, the process has been really stressful, given how much more competitive things are now than they were when we were in school, and so I think it would be great if we could give her a break this Thanksgiving and not ask too much about it. I’m happy to fill you in on all the schools she’s applying to, if you want to hear more details. And I know that she’d love to talk about _______, which has been such a great experience this year.” That way you are protecting her, setting their expectations, but also offering a way for them to get the information they desire as well as another topic that they can ask her about (since some people feel unsure about what to talk about with teens).
No matter how hard you try, though, know that there will likely still be questions and family members who just can’t help themselves. So, be prepared to step in, change the subject, or just come up with an excuse for your daughter so she can get out of the uncomfortable situation, “hey, [insert your daughter’s name here], can you come help with blah, blah, blah?”
Hang in there, mama, you and your daughter have got this!