A mom of tweens who smokes weed to help her sleep asks, should I tell my kids I smoke pot? Jessica discusses how and when to do this while hopefully avoiding drama or encouraging them to experiment with pot.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
Should I Tell My Kids I Smoke Pot?
HEY JESSICA: I have always been a casual pot smoker (like, at a party with friends every once in a while), but recently I decided to test out whether marijuana might help me to sleep better. It has been very helpful, but it also means that I am now smoking pot at home regularly. I have two tweens at home who I don’t think have been exposed to the smell of pot smoke yet (at least consciously), but I know that will be coming soon and I am getting worried about what happens when they put two and two together and realize that I smoke pot. My question for you is this: should I tell my kids I smoke pot? If so, what age is the right age to tell them and how do I tell them without indicating that I think it is fine for them to smoke, too? ~A Secret Stoner
DEAR SECRET STONER:
I LOVE this question! First, because it taps into a topic that I am super passionate about: open and honest communication with our kids. And second, because I am sure that there are a lot of other parents out there who have this same question! (I can just imagine parents hiding in their bathrooms, taking hits, and then blowing them out the window to try to minimize the smell – just like the good ol’ college days.)
I want to start by saying that I do think it is a good idea to tell your kids before they are exposed to pot themselves. To me, this is important for two reasons: (1) you don’t want them to figure it out themselves and then feel as if you were keeping a secret from them as this will hurt trust and will imply that should they ever experiment, they should keep it a secret, too; and (2) by being transparent with them, you have an opportunity to also build trust and a sense of open communication on substance use, which can pay off hugely later on.
In terms of when you tell them, I don’t think that there is a right or wrong age to share this information with your kids. Instead, I think it is about their maturity level and also how you share the information with them. Let’s talk about maturity level first. While I am not at all a fan of asking kids to keep secrets, due to social attitudes towards marijuana, I do think that ideally you don’t want your kids going to school or soccer practice and telling their friends that their mom smokes weed. So, I think it is wise to wait until your kids are at an age where they can both understand why you are smoking pot but also that this isn’t information to broadcast to the world.
So, now let’s dig into how you tell them. First, I would have it be a purposeful conversation, rather than something you do when they are distracted by other things. I would sit down with them and say something along the lines of, “now that you two are mature enough to understand, I wanted to share something with you.” I would then explain that you have been having trouble sleeping and that all of your normal tricks haven’t been working, so when you learned that some adults (important to say adults here – so that if one of them has sleep issues, they don’t think it is an option for them) have found that smoking a little bit of pot before bed can help them to sleep, you thought you would give it a try and that it has helped you a lot. I would share that you felt it was important to tell them this for a couple of reasons: (1) that you want to always have open and honest communication with each other; and (2) that you know that in the years to come, they will be exposed to pot and you want them to feel comfortable coming to talk to you about it, which meant that you thought it was important to start from a place of transparency on your end, too.
I think it is also important to note that, just like with alcohol, smoking pot is illegal for those under 21, but also that research has shown that smoking pot negatively impacts brain development in teenagers. And, so while you understand that at some point they may be tempted to try pot themselves, you would recommend they wait until their brains are more developed, or at least that they talk to you first so that you can help them to reduce risk (for more on this, check out my Ask Jessica column about talking to your kids about their pot smoking called).
One final note, I think it is important that you prepare yourself emotionally for any reaction! They may be totally chill, they may be confused, they may be angry, or they may be sad or scared. No matter how they react, keep your composure and meet them where they are. It may turn out that they know a whole lot more about weed than you think, or they may not even know what it is – invite their questions or concerns and show that you are willing and open to talking about this as much as they want.
In the end, the goal here is to build trust and model the kind of transparency and honesty you hope to have with them throughout their tween and teen years. Good luck, mama! And sleep well!