A mom shares that she thinks her teen is smoking weed and asks Jessica, how can I talk to my teen about pot in a way that is productive and keeps him safe? Jessica shares her thoughts on communication and harm reduction.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
How Can I Talk to My Teen About Pot?
HEY JESSICA: I think my teen is smoking pot. A couple of times now I have smelled it both on his clothes and in his room. When I ask him about it, he says it’s from hanging out with other kids and that he’s not doing it himself, but I find that hard to believe. I know experimentation is normal, but I worry about his safety, his brain development, and what this might lead to further down the line. How can I talk to my teen about pot in a way that encourages him to tell me the truth so that I can keep him safe? ~Panicking Mom
DEAR PANICKING MOM: I’m not gonna lie, kids smoking pot these days is definitely something that causes me to worry, too. But what I have told myself, and what I am going to tell you now, is that the best thing that we can do, as parents, is to stay calm and collected as we try to engage with our kids about drugs.
When it comes to the more challenging conversations that we parents need to have with our kids (i.e., sex, porn, drugs, alcohol, etc.), I believe that there are three things that are super important: honesty, creating a safe space, and realistic advice and planning. Honesty is important for two reasons: (1) if we want our kids to be honest with us, it only seems fair that we should model the behavior we want and be honest with them; and (2) just like we know when they aren’t being fully truthful, they also can tell when we aren’t being straightforward, which will inevitably reduce our credibility. As for creating a safe space, we all want our kids to feel like they are safe with us, of course. This piece is essential because it means that if/when something goes wrong, they know they can come to us. And in terms of offering realistic advice and planning, this will help them to (hopefully) make safer decisions should they move forward with something you might wish they wouldn’t.
So, then the question becomes, how do we create this calm, safe, honest space with our kids when it comes to talking about pot? First, I think we need to be honest with them about our own usage. I’m not saying that you need to go into great detail, but if you tried pot in high school or college or later, I think there is a lot of power in being honest about that because it shows that you understand the curiosity they may be feeling and also provides a space for you to talk about your own decision-making process (which may have been sound or may have been problematic – both of which have life lesson value for your kids). I, for instance, did experiment with weed when I was in high school and have told my kids that was the case, while also telling them why I wish I had waited. On the other hand, if you’ve never used marijuana, I think there is value in sharing your decision-making process there as well. The trick here is to do it without moralizing or judging those that have tried it, because if your kid is curious and/or has already tried it, hearing judgment from you might make it harder for them to be honest with you, which is your ultimate end goal.
Once we’ve created this honest, safe space for them, then the next piece is to be pretty direct about our concerns. With my kids, for instance, I have shared that the weed now seems much scarier to me than what I experimented with when I was a teenager – namely, it is much stronger, which means that it can impact their developing brains in more serious ways. Furthermore, if they buy it off the street (which teenagers are much more likely to do, even in states where marijuana is legal), the drugs it could be laced with nowadays are much more dangerous than anything I faced way back then. I have found that by being honest about my own usage and then direct about my concerns, my kids respect the concerns I am sharing more than if I just said, “don’t do drugs!”
Now, if I’ve made you uncomfortable thus far, this last piece may really make you squirm, but I am going to share it because I think it is really important and that’s the realistic advice and planning piece. As I mentioned above, I have been clear with my kids that while I understand the curiosity they may be feeling about pot, given its potency and the risk of it being laced, I would really prefer for them to wait. But I also felt it was important to be realistic about the fact that they might not wait and so we have talked a number of times about ways to experiment safely. For me, there are four components to that: only from a dispensary, only flower, only in a safe place, and we are always on call. I have beseeched them to only consider items that they know for a fact came directly from a dispensary. This will mean that it is not laced with Fentanyl or any other scary drugs. I have also explained that smoking flower would be easier on their brain chemistry than vaping or edibles because the concentration in those is so much higher (e.g., super strong flower can be about 30% THC, whereas a vaping cartridge can be as high as 90% – that is a big difference for a developing brain or any brain!). If they are going to experiment, I want to make sure that they are in a location where they are safe and where no one will need to drive for a very long time. And, finally, I have told them, over and over again, that if they are ever in a situation where they feel unsafe or out of their depth, they can call us for help with the promise that they will not get in trouble.
So, with your son, I would encourage you to find a quiet, low-key time when you can have an honest conversation about all of this with him (I find car rides or walks are great for these sorts of talks). Let him know that your top priority is not to drag some truth out of him, but rather to build trust and open communication so that moving forward he knows you are there for him, whenever he is ready.