A mom asks how can I improve my relationship with my teenager before he goes off to college? Jessica explains why teenagers pull away at this stage in life and shares thoughts on how to remain present and engaged, while still letting them spread their wings.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
Growing Pains: How to Improve My Relationship with My Teenager
HEY JESSICA: My son and I have always been quite close but recently, as he’s entered the second half of high school, I have noticed that he seems to be more easily irritated and sometimes really nasty, less talkative (he used to tell me pretty much everything), and less interested in spending time with the family. I am trying not to take it personally, but it really hurts my heart, especially as I am super aware that he will be off to college sooner than I would like. How can I improve my relationships with my teenager and return things to how they used to be before he leaves the nest? ~A Heartsick Mom
DEAR HEARTSICK MOM: Oh, man. I feel you on this one big time! It is absolutely heart-wrenching when our teenagers start to pull away from us. It can feel like a major rejection, especially if you have been super close up until now. Given that you mentioned that you are trying not to take it personally, I think you know what I am about to say, but I think it is worthwhile to say anyway: what is happening is not only normal, it is probably a good thing.
In many ways, the teen years are very similar to the toddler years: it’s a time of discovery and experimentation with independence. In the toddler years, the tantrums and insistence that they do things on their own is their way of moving from being a baby who is dependent upon you for everything to a distinct individual. In the teen years, that same sort of separation needs to happen, but in this case it is going from being a child to an independent young adult. They need to separate from us in order to be able to manage the new-found independence and freedom they will experience—whether they go to college or jump right into the working world. And this time around, instead of tantrums (although, if we’re being honest, there are still some tantrums) we get snarky-ness, sullen moods, less information shared, and breaking of rules/pushing boundaries. It can be an exhausting and challenging time.
So, how do you handle this stressful time? You set clear expectations, you make yourself available without hovering, and you let them pull away. Let’s go through each of those pieces one by one.
As I said, teens are seeking autonomy. They want to be able to make their own decisions, but that doesn’t mean that they are entirely capable of doing so. So, one of your jobs as the parent of the teen is to set expectations so that your teen is aware of what behaviors are acceptable and which are not (this will be different for each family) and then trust them to explore, but not cross, the limitations you have set. And let’s be clear, they will very likely push those boundaries and defy your expectations at some point (or multiple times). That is also normal. Your job in those moments will be to be calm, clear, and consistent – because just as toddlers need to test the limits and then find a safe path back to that parental “home base,” teenagers need you to lovingly but firmly hold them accountable, which leads us to the second task: making yourself available without hovering.
Teenagers may act like they don’t care what we think or whether or not we are available, but they really, really do. They need to know that they have that secure and safe place to come back to. They need to know we are there for them. So how do we express that without being helicopter parents? We make space for low pressure one-on-one time, such as car rides, watching TV or reels together (my teen son LOVES to show me his favorite funny reels, which I sometimes find mind-numbingly boring, but sit through because he is sharing a part of his life with me), or participating in an activity you both enjoy together (video games, hiking, bike rides, etc.). We note when they seem down or sad and let them know that if they ever want to talk, we are here (and if they show up at our bedroom door at 11pm we force our eyes to stay open so we can be present for them). We make sure they know that we’ve got their backs, should they need us, but we allow them to be their own self-advocates and problem-solvers. And we listen way more than we talk.
And then there is the hardest one: we let them pull away. This is where you have to trust. You have to trust that you have set the expectations and made yourself available in such a way that they have the safety net they need and are now ready to venture out on their own. Why do we have to do this? Because if we don’t, if we instead hold on tight, they will have to pull away harder and we risk harming the relationship in the long run. So, we breathe deep, trust that we have done what we had to do, and step back.
The good news, though, is that if all goes well, they will come back. It won’t be the same, of course, after all they will have done some major growing up as they explored their autonomy. But if we have been able to maintain that trust, they’ll be able to return to us for support, guidance, and so much more throughout the many stages yet to come in their lives.
So in conclusion, Heartsick Mom, I know it is super hard to let go of what once was and I completely understand the desire to return to those earlier times, but the truth is that now is the time when we have to let them spread their wings and start experimenting with leaving the nest, especially if eventually we want to see them soar.