My Kid Won’t Eat What I Cooked! What to Do When Your Kid Refuses Dinner

@Jessica Braider, Jessica, I can't thank you enough for your prompt reply. I'll be sharing your advice with my husband. We have been taking him to speak with a therapist, and she is working with him on his honesty and trust issues, but she is not a feeding expert. I very much appreciate The Feeding Doctor resource! Meal times have been a struggle his whole life. He is so loving, and also sensitive and intellectually gifted. This leads to him feeling BIG feelings which we are still learning how to navigate, especially around food. As someone who suffered from an eating disorder from 13 until the day I found out I was pregnant with him, our eldest, I am determined to raise children who have a healthy relationship with food. I don't want him to struggle the way I did. Thank you for all you do!

Hi Hannah, Thank you so much for sharing what you are going through - I know that a lot of parents can relate!! Because I believe the goal should be helping our kids to build a positive relationship with food, which means learning how to manage behavior and impulses, I am not a fan of putting locks on refrigerators or cabinets. Instead, I would recommend sitting down with your son and having a very honest conversation about the patterns you are seeing. I would explain to him that you think he is old enough and mature enough now that you want to work *with* him to come up with a solution to the issue you are seeing. I would explain that for you, the goal is to have a relationship with each other that is based on honesty, which means that sneaking food has to stop, but also that you want to come up with a way to solve this problem together, so that there is trust. I would ask him why it is that he is unwilling to eat what is made for dinner - is it because he doesn't like the food? Is it because it is hard to sit still? Is it because he isn't hungry at dinnertime? Then you can start to come up with solutions. If it is because he doesn't like the food, maybe you can, together, come up with some ideas of options that can be on the table that he can enjoy even if he doesn't eat everything that is offered. Or, perhaps, you can come up with a food that, when he doesn't like dinner, he can get himself (that requires no cooking, has some nutritional value, and *isn't* a favorite, because then he'll just always choose that). If it is because sitting still is hard, then maybe you can find ways for him to get some energy out before dinner. If it is because he isn't hungry at dinnertime, perhaps you can look together at how to shift snacking schedules. No matter what, the point is to find a solution together, so that you can rebuild the trust and open communication about food. Finally, I would say that if this behavior continues, it might be helpful to pull a professional into the mix. Perhaps talk to your pediatrician or I am a big fan of The Feeding Doctor's work on this issue (https://www.thefeedingdoctor.com/). Hope this helps!

Thanks so much for sharing your story, J.L.T. It sounds like things are really tricky right now. Situations like this one, when there is a food sensitivity or allergy involved, can be especially hard because there may still be traumatic memories of food making him feel sick, which may be adding to his anxieties about food/reluctance to try food. In a situation like this, I would recommend a few things. 1) First, I would recommend that you and your partner sit down and talk with your son about what's going on - NOT at a meal time and just the three of you. He is old enough that he should be able to tell you what is going on in his head when he is presented with new foods. I would explain that this is a stressful situation for everyone and that you both want this to get better for him, but also for you two. And that you two want to work with him to find a way to get things to be better. Ask him: Is he anxious? What does he worry is going to happen? Are there ways that the three of you could make trying foods less stressful? Perhaps some good ideas may come out of this conversation, but don't make any final decisions yet. At the end, I would thank him for his input and tell him you and your partner are going to talk more and then talk with him again. 2) Then, you and your partner need sit down and talk to get on the same page about what the approach is going to be and agree to be consistent. That way the tensions can't build between you two and your son will get consistent messages. In terms of the approach, it will likely need to be a slow process. Maybe it is having him have the food on his plate first, then touch it, then lick it, then put it in his mouth, then swallow. Each at a different meal. Maybe it can be a little faster than that, depending on his openness. But the point is to make it as conflict-free as possible. Some other options to consider, presenting the idea that dinner is dinner and he can choose to eat it or not (perhaps with a try). If he doesn't eat it, then he is responsible for getting something that requires no cooking for himself. It should have some sort of healthy-ness to it (an apple, some cheese, yogurt, peanut butter and jelly, etc.) and NOT be a favorite (or else he might just go to that every time). 3) Once you have agreed on the approach, sit down with your son (again, just the three of you and not at a meal) and present the approach. Then I would suggest you give it a try for a few weeks and then do another check-in. A couple other things: 1) I am not a doctor and can't give medical or nutritional advice, so you might also want to check in with your pediatrician for ideas, 2) It's Not About the Broccoli is a great book that might be a helpful resource for you, 3) The Feeding Doctor (https://www.thefeedingdoctor.com/) also may have some great resources for you.