A woman in midlife desperately misses nights out on the town that involve dancing, but feel self-conscious about showing up at clubs at her age. Jessica shares thoughts on overcoming fear of going out dancing in midlife, including a mindset shift and practical tips on finding good spots.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
Overcoming Fear of Going Out Dancing in Midlife
Hey Jessica: When I was in my 20s and early 30s (i.e., before kids), I loved going dancing (clubs, not classes). Over the past 12 years, though, I haven’t gotten to dance at all, except at weddings. Now that my kids are older, I’d really like to start going out dancing again, but I am feeling super self-conscious. I feel like I am going to look like the pathetic older woman who is trying to act younger than she is. I’ve talked with some friends (since my husband has zero interest) and, like me, they want to go, but feel pretty self-conscious about it. You’ve mentioned in past newsletters that you go dancing sometimes. Did you ever have these hang-ups and, if so, how did you get over them? And how do you find places where you feel comfortable? ~It’s Electric Boogie-Woogie
Dear Electric:
Yes! I 100% had those same hang-ups and, honestly, still do sometimes. It really sucks that somehow our culture has decided that dancing is primarily for the young, but I am all about breaking that mold! So, first, I want to share what I tell myself to get over those anxieties and then I’ll talk a little about how to find good spots.
One of the things that most helped me get over my fear of showing up at a club full of young people was thinking back to when I was their age at the clubs and how I reacted when I saw women who were older than me dancing at these spots. And the truth is: I didn’t think anything. Maybe I noticed that they were a little older, but that was honestly it. I was so wrapped up in my own life and my own insecurities, that it didn’t even occur to me to be judgmental about some women who were older than me being there. The second thing, I realized that there was a benefit to being older at the club: I was just there to dance and to have fun with my friends. I gave no thought to the male (or female) gaze, being there was solely for my own pleasure. And that is super liberating! So, while I do sometimes still feel a bit self-conscious, especially when I walk into a club, the truth is, once I get dancing, I really don’t think about it anymore. I just have fun.
Now let’s talk about what I think is actually the key question: how to find good places. After checking out some places just on regular nights, I realized something important: I really like dancing to music I know. Yes, I was familiar with some of the music being played, but it didn’t feel like MY music. So, I started focusing on going to places where I could be confident that I would encounter music that I liked. And here’s the great thing: you will be shocked by how many places do 80s, 90s, or 00s nights! It won’t be every weekend, but there will be special dates when they change things up and play the kind of music I want to dance to. And bonus, you are very likely to see other people your age there, too (which helps with the self-consciousness). The other tip I have, look at smaller bars and dance spots. If there’s a restaurant or lounge that turns into a dance place later, chances are better they’ll be playing music that resonates with me. And my final suggestion, if you can’t find a good spot, organize a dance party! You can have it at your house or a friend’s (or rent out a space if you want to be really ambitious), someone plays DJ or builds a play list, invite all your friends or even expand it and turn it into a fun mom’s night for your area. A nice bonus about this option: you can start earlier and then be in bed at a reasonable time!
So, Electric, please please please don’t let your self-consciousness get in the way of you having a great time. I promise, once you’re out on the floor, the rhythm is gonna get you (see what I did there?).