After getting passed over for a promotion at work a woman asks, should I stay or should I go? Jessica discusses managing mid-career frustrations and assessing the best next steps at midlife.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
Should I Stay or Should I Go? Managing Mid-Career Frustrations
HEY JESSICA: I like to think that I am pretty good at my job. I am well-respected, I’ve served on lots of advisory groups and working groups, I receive awards and recognition almost every year, and I have been at my job for long enough now that I am one of the most senior people around. Recently, I threw my hat in the ring for a promotion that I know I am abundantly qualified for. I made it to the final round, but then they ended up picking someone who is less experienced and younger than me for the position and I am pissed! I’ve started looking for other jobs, but it is going to be hard for me to find something that pays me what I need to get paid and offers me the flexibility that I have with my current job. Plus, job hunting and then being the new person at a job all sounds incredibly exhausting. Is there a way to move past this anger and accept where I am or should I keep looking for jobs so I can get out as soon as possible? ~Stunned and Angry
DEAR STUNNED:
Well, that totally sucks. I am really sorry that this happened to you and can 100% understand why you’re angry – I would be, too! Deciding what to do in a situation like this is definitely tricky, but I do think that with a little bit of careful thought, you can find the answer that is right for you. Here are my thoughts on managing mid-career frustrations and determining the best next steps for your life and career.
It sounds like the job you currently have offers you two things that are very valuable to you: a solid paycheck and flexibility. It also sounds like you are worried that another job would lead to more stress than you really want to deal with. On the other hand, though, you are clearly questioning whether your current job is one you want to stay in given their apparent lack of appreciation and recognition for all that you have done.
From my perspective, it seems like you have three options: (1) find a new job that is satisfying and exciting enough that you are willing to sacrifice either pay or flexibility (I would not sacrifice both because that may lead to serious unhappiness, especially at first); (2) look for a new job, but hold out for one that checks all of your boxes and, in the meantime, just keep your head down and do the work you need to get done without going above and beyond; or (3) decide that you are not willing to give up the paycheck and flexibility, but commit yourself to doing what needs to be done at work, while focusing the energy that you used to put towards those extra things at work onto something that is more meaningful and enriching for your life – in other words, make work less of a priority.
If you are someone who really defines yourself by the work that you do, then in all likelihood one of the first two options is going to be your best bet and your decision about which path to follow will likely be based on your level of desperation to get out.
Now, you had asked if there is a way to “move past the anger” and accept where you are and I think there is! What is required to make this possible is a shift in your focus. Rather than living to work, you are going to want to focus on working to live. What I mean by that is that you will need to shift your thinking so that you see your job as something that pays you a solid paycheck and allows you the flexibility to do things you love, rather than your main sense of purpose in the world.
I think that there are two pieces to making a shift like this truly successful. First, you need to commit yourself to doing your job well, but not to going above and beyond. This means that you get your work done, remain professional and courteous, but stop volunteering for the extra activities that take up time and energy such as new projects or committees. You get in and you get out. If you have always been a “team player” and/or if you are a “people pleaser,” this may be a hard shift to make, but remind yourself that you have good reasons for this and that you are prioritizing your well-being over the company’s.
Second, you need to determine what you want to do with this newfound time and energy that will give you a sense of purpose and joy. Perhaps it is picking up a new hobby or restarting an old one, maybe it’s launching a side hustle that you enjoy, or maybe it’s as simple as making it a priority to leave on time every day so that you can get home to spend more time with your family. The point is to find something that will fill the hole that was left when you didn’t get the promotion.
These situations are never easy and it can take time to heal from the disappointment, so if you don’t know which direction you want to go in, that’s fine. The answer will come in time. So, more than anything I hope that you will allow yourself the grace and space to figure out next steps. If you trust your instincts, the answer will come.