A woman in midlife, who tries hard to stay healthy and active, is frustrated by her husband’s sedentary ways and asks how to talk to talk to a spouse about their health and decrease her own resentment about what this might mean for her future, as well as his.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
How to Talk to a Spouse About Their Health
HEY JESSICA: One of my mid-life struggles involves the disparity between my efforts to stay physically fit and my husband’s. I do my best to run/walk at least three days a week, purposefully park away from my office at work to walk a bit “extra” every day, and take additional walks/hikes when I can. I also do some strength exercises on the days I run. My husband plays 9 holes of golf once a week and walks the dog daily (but our dog barely walks around the block). He has put on quite a bit of weight in the past decade and only sees his doctor for a colonoscopy (he has a history of colon cancer in his family). We have several close friends in our neighborhood and all of them are like this: the women (who all work full-time outside the home, carry a lot/most of the mental load, etc.) make time to exercise while the men’s waistlines expand, partly driven by their occasional gatherings for “garage beers” when the women are out exercising. I’m sure you can tell that I am resentful of this. Years ago, I reminded my husband that he should try to stay in better shape for his own sake let alone to be present and engaged with the kids. I’d appreciate suggestions regarding how to broach this subject with him and how to help me lower my resentment. ~Frustrated & Worried
DEAR FRUSTRATED & WORRIED:
This is a dilemma that I know a lot of women are going to resonate with, so thank you for bringing this tricky topic up! There are a couple of different aspects to the frustration that I hear in your description of the situation that I think are important to highlight. I’ll start with what you identified directly: you are frustrated by the fact that while you prioritize your health and well-being, your husband does not do the same for himself, which leaves you with concerns both about his health in the long run and with his ability to engage with the family. There are also two concerns that you touched on or implied that I want to label as well. One is that his physical appearance has changed due to this lack of activity, while I am guessing that you are working hard to maintain your appearance. The other is that you are experiencing this as a gendered issue, that the women in your circle are not only managing much of the family’s mental load, but that you are also prioritizing your health for the long-haul, while the men are not, leaving a potential further burden on all of you women later on. That is a lot to be carrying!
First, I want to suggest some ways to approach this touchy subject with your husband. Without a doubt this is a difficult conversation to have as it may trigger defensiveness on his part, while you are also feeling raw and resentful – the perfect set up for a huge fight. So, I think how you approach this and frame it is going to be key. The first thing to think about is where and when you want to have this conversation. If you are couple that has a weekly check-in time, maybe that’s a good opportunity. If you tend to do better at tricky conversations while you are doing something like going for a walk or meeting for a drink or meal at a restaurant, go with that. The idea is to find a time and space when you will both be open and able to really hear one another.
The next piece is going to be how you frame the issue. Finding an entry point into the conversation can be helpful. I would focus on his health and your desire for him to be around for a long time, rather than on his appearance, as that can lead to serious hurt feelings. So, for instance, if (God forbid) a friend or family member recently had a health scare or if one of your parents or some other older person in your life is now struggling with the realities of aging, this could be a way to open the conversation. You might mention this health scare and note that it got you thinking about your own health and aging, as well as his. Share with him that you have realized that you are really scared/nervous/worried about his health. Identify the fact that you want to be able to enjoy old age together and that you want him not just around but healthy for your kids as they mature.
Then it’s time to go into problem-solving mode. Acknowledge what he IS doing already, even if it feels minimal to you, and then ask whether there might be ways for you to work together to create space and time for him to get more exercise and also start going to a doctor regularly. Are there types of movement that he enjoys (in addition to golf)? Is there a new sport or activity that he is interested in trying (pickle ball immediately comes to mind)? Or is there an activity you two could do together once a week, both as time for the two of you and time for exercise, like a walk or hike—or even dancing?
If he is resistant to the conversation or immediately defensive, then I recommend noting that and asking him about it. Does his resistance come from fear? From anxiety about aging? From not wanting to integrate exercise into his life? From feeling overwhelmed? Helping him to explore and identify his emotions around this will then help you to come up with solutions together. Maybe it’s finding a trainer for him to work with or a gym to join. Maybe it’s finding a workout buddy (one of the neighborhood friends, perhaps). Maybe it is gamifying the exercise with a tracker of some sort. The point is to identify the resistance and then come up with a solution that is accessible and appealing to him.
I also think it is really important to resolve the doctor issue. While it’s great that he’s careful about getting colonoscopies, as you know, there are so many other health issues that can start to develop around this age, so while cruising through his 20s and 30s may have been possible, now it’s time to pay a bit more attention. This is where I would also play the “I want you around and healthy for a long time” card. If he is resistant here, while ideally you would want him to take responsibility for his own health, you can (if you want) offer to help in the search for a doctor to at least take that step out of the equation.
Finally, I want to touch on the resentment piece. I totally understand where the frustration comes from – you are purposefully taking care of yourself, while also balancing the many pressures of adulthood, why can’t he do the same? Hopefully that resentment can be resolved when he starts working out and going to the doctor. But the real struggle for you may come if he still doesn’t take action to improve his health. If this happens, then I think you have every right to express that frustration. I would explain that you tried to communicate about this productively and calmly, but his not taking action on these concerns makes you feel ignored and that you want him to understand that there is a real risk of that resentment growing even more as time goes on. Be clear that this is not a threat, but just an expression of how his actions (or lack of action) are making you feel. And then, after that, I would challenge you to take on the attitude of, “he’s a grownup, he gets to make his own decisions, and it’s not my f*#king problem.” Definitely not ideal, but at a certain point, letting go and focusing on you is all you can do.
Best of luck as you take on this challenging conversation. I hope that he hears you and that the two of you can work together to find a solution that feels great to you both.