The mom of a teen worries about the social pressures to excel academically in order to get into a top tier college and wonders both how to support a teen who doesn’t fit the mold and how stop the external pressures from getting to her so that she doesn’t put them on her daughter.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
How to Support a Teen Who Doesn’t Fit the Mold
Hey Jessica: We live in an area that is very highly educated and career-driven. There are a lot of great things about living in a place like that – you are constantly meeting really interesting people who are doing amazing things with their lives, there are always fascinating events happening, you are always learning new things. But there is also a downside, which is that the pressure for kids to excel in both academics and extracurriculars so that they can get into a top tier college is incredibly intense. My son fits into this competitive world just fine. My daughter is another story. While she does okay in school, she is much more interested in other pursuits and passions. I want to support her to be who she truly is, but whenever I talk with friends and colleagues, I find myself getting really anxious about where she’ll end up in college and how her life will turn out. Do you have any advice on how I can stop this external pressure from getting to me so that I don’t put unfair pressure on her? ~Mama Bear
Dear Mama Bear,
As someone who lives in an area that sounds very similar to yours, I am deeply familiar with the pressures you describe. And the truth is, this same sort of social pressure shows up in different communities about different things. In other places it might be about exceling in a sport or art form, adhering to religious beliefs, or fitting into certain social roles. When it comes down to it, the social pressure and desire to conform is a part of human nature.
But, just as humans feel a pull to be a part of communities and to fit into their social rules, there are also always exceptions – the people who don’t fit the mold, who choose a different path. It sounds like your daughter is one of those.
And while I bet you know this deep down, there are two truths that I want to remind you of. The first is that you don’t need to go to a top tier college in order to be successful. There are many, many people who have had incredibly meaningful, rich, innovative, amazing lives who didn’t go to a top tier college – heck, some didn’t go to college at all! I would think it is even a safe bet to say that the majority of people who are incredibly successful didn’t go to elite institutions.
The second truth: every community needs those outliers. They are the people who push us to see the world differently, who challenge our assumptions about what’s best, and who bring new ideas and approaches into our worlds. They enrich our lives.
So, next time you are starting to feel that pressure, I would encourage you to pause and take a moment to celebrate all the amazing things your daughter brings into your world, and the world at large, through her passions and interests. And think about how much duller things would be without her contrasting presence.