A woman feels overlooked by an old friend and asks Jessica, how do I know when an adult friendship is over? And then wonders how to handle the situation. Jessica offers a variety of approaches for the woman to take and offers a new way of looking at the situation.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
How Do I Know When An Adult Friendship Is Over?
Hey Jessica: I’ve got some friend drama that I could really use your input on. I have a friend from college who used to live in the same town as me, but then moved away a few years ago. Unfortunately, neither of us is very good at long distance communication, but whenever we do connect it is immediately wonderful and like no time has passed. Last year, she came into town for some meetings. But I didn’t find out about her having been in town until she posted on social media once she was home about the amazing time she had with other friends of hers (who I’m friendly with, but who aren’t part of my friend group). I was kind of hurt but figured that she just hadn’t had time between meetings and things to see everyone. Then, last month, the same thing happened. She came to town, didn’t tell me, and then posted about all these fun things she had done. Now I’m really hurt. I had always thought that we were really good friends, but I feel like this has been a harsh way of learning that I’m not one of her main people anymore. I didn’t think this kind of thing would happen during adulthood, but I guess feeling left out can happen at any age. My question is how do I know when an adult friendship is over? I want to handle this gracefully, but this is triggering all of my middle school girl reaction impulses. Help!
~No More BFF
Dear No More BFF,
Ugh! Being left out is one of the worst feelings in the world! And it can be especially painful when the person leaving you out is someone you saw as a core friend. I’m really sorry that you are experiencing that.
So, first things first, I don’t think this friendship has to be over. The truth is that friendships, even the best ones, change over time. There are lots of factors that bring on shifts in friendships: proximity to one another, life stage (especially if you’re in different ones), a specific event or rift that causes you to see each other differently, new people coming into our lives, etc. It sounds to me like a shift in your friendship may have happened because she moved away, but also because neither of you made a big effort to stay in touch. What is important to remember here is that not staying in touch was not a failing on either of your parts, it is just what sometimes happens. And if I had to hazard a guess, I would assume that she has stayed in closer touch with the friends she did see, which might be due to effort on her part, but it also could very well be that they made a bigger effort to stay in touch with your friend than you did.
Given that you both haven’t stayed in great touch, I think it is safe to assume that this was not a rejection of you, but rather a choice she made (either consciously or unconsciously) about how to use the limited time she had in town. Does it sting that you weren’t at the top of her list? Of course. But I think you can be pretty confident that she didn’t mean to hurt or reject you.
But now the question becomes what to do about it. Well, it seems to me that you have three options: (1) talk to her about it; (2) let it slide, but make a bit more of an effort to be in touch with her to see if you can reconnect more; and (3) let it slide and accept that your friendship is in a new phase.
In terms of talking to her about it, I would not start it off with a confrontation, but rather with a genuine, open-hearted check-in. Something like, “Hey there, I saw your awesome pics from your recent trip here on Instagram. Looks like you had a great time! I know we’ve kind of lost touch, but next time you’re in town I’d love to see you, if you have the time! Looking at those pictures made me realize how much I miss spending time with you.” Chances are, she’ll respond enthusiastically and hopefully you can use this as an excuse to reconnect and move forward.
With option two, you are going to need to not only let this event slide, but to really commit yourself to letting it go and not holding onto those resentments. Then, in terms of making an effort to be in better touch, I would do this with the mindset of it being about reconnecting with your friend, not about making the “short list” of people she sees when she’s in town. Hopefully that will be an outcome, but the point is to rekindle the friendship that has meant so much to you for so long.
And with option three, this is where you are accepting the friendship for what it is. You both will always care about one another – you share core memories and experiences that will always be special – it’s just that at this specific stage in your lives you aren’t as close as you once were. This may shift over time, especially if you end up in the same city again one day, but for now you are where you are and that is OK.
So, if you can help it, I encourage you not to take her actions as a rejection of you, but rather just an expression of what she was able to do with the time she had when she was in town. And whether you choose to reconnect or not, I hope that you can hold dear all of the amazing things that made you great friends for so long, because that is a true gift.