A woman in midlife whose parents are getting older asks, how do you gracefully and compassionately face the reality of cleaning out a parent’s house? Jessica offers an approach that will gently help them to face the potentially thorny reality.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
Facing the Reality of Cleaning Out a Parent’s House
HEY JESSICA: My parents have lived in the same house for over 40 years and while they aren’t hoarders or anything, the amount of stuff that is in that house fills me with dread, especially as I have seen a number of friends struggle with cleaning out their parents’ houses after their parents passed or when things got tricky enough that a nursing home was necessary. I want to bring my fears up to my parents, but I am worried that I will seem heartless or as if I am pointing out their mortality. Is there any tactful way that I could breach this topic with my parents without them taking offense? ~Don’t Wanna Seem Heartless
DEAR DON’T WANNA SEEM HEARTLESS: As someone who, like you, has seen how stressful it can be when adult children (and grandchildren) are left with a house full of stuff to clean out after the passing of their parents, I first want to say that thinking ahead about this is a really good first step and you are not at all heartless in wanting to address this issue.
In my experience, when managing potentially tricky situations like facing the reality of cleaning out a parent’s house, it’s best to be compassionate but direct. In fact, I believe almost all of the material that you need for opening this discussion with your parents is right in your question! Ideally, you’ll want to have this kind of conversation in person (if possible), as much can be lost or misunderstood over the phone and you also want to do it at a time when they are open and ready to talk. So, instead of springing this sort of question on them, I would mention that you have some logistical issues about the future that you’d like to talk with them about and let them suggest when that could happen.
Then, once you’re sitting down together, I’d recommend first saying that you very much hope that you are thinking about this issue way ahead of time, but that recently a friend had to face the sad reality of cleaning out their parents’ house when their parents had not prepared for it at all. I would tell your parents how overwhelming the process was for your friend, and then convey to them that you would like to avoid this kind of situation as much as possible by working with them to think through what steps could be taken ahead of time. Then, based on their response, you can build a plan. Perhaps they have already been thinking about this and have even been taking steps you didn’t know about. Or maybe they, too, feel overwhelmed by the prospect of starting to clear out stuff and need your support. And then there’s always the possibility that they won’t want to face the issue at all.
If they have already been thinking about this or have even started working on it, you get to breathe a sigh of relief and then can offer your help. If they have thought about it but are overwhelmed, you can help them strategize and put a plan into action. In both of these cases, one possible key step would be to identify small, manageable tasks that you tackle together each time you visit. Or, if there are funds available, you could consider hiring a professional organizer to help you (there are some who even specialize in this sort of clean-out job).
If, on the other hand, they reject your initial attempt at discussing the issue, then you’ve got a trickier situation on your hands. Again, you could offer to help in increments or hire someone to help. But, if that is not the right move, then I would either leave it for now—knowing you opened the door to this conversation—or gently encourage them to raise this issue with friends of theirs to see how they are handling it as hearing from peers can be helpful.
I also want to make a plug for you not taking all of this on by yourself. If you’ve got siblings, I encourage you to bring them in to help. Ideally you can talk with them about your fears even before you talk to your parents, trying to get on the same page, and then include them in the conversation. And as for the clean-out, I hope they’ll help with that as well. If there aren’t siblings in the picture, then perhaps your partner (if you’re partnered), your children (assuming you have them and they’re old enough), or even a really good friend can pitch in from time to time. Sorting through decades of your parents’ things not only will be a lot of physical work, but will also have a huge emotional component, so remember to take it slowly and make space for processing and self-care.