With her kid in college, a mother faces her first holidays and birthdays without her child at home and asks about how to navigate the heartbreak of empty nesting through holidays and birthdays. Jessica offers some consolation as well as ideas on how to start new traditions to help fill the hole.
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Empty Nesting Through Holidays and Birthdays
Hey Jessica: This is the first year that my husband and I are empty nesters. So far, it has been very smooth. But this week I made a painful realization: April is the month of two important family events, my daughter’s birthday and Easter, and this will be the first time since she was born that we won’t be with her for either of them and it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I know that these transitions are normal and natural, but I am just overwhelmed with sadness about the fact that we’ll no longer do our annual Easter scavenger hunt, and even more that I won’t get to wake my daughter up by singing “Happy Birthday.” Is there any way to make this hole in my heart hurt a little less? ~Missing Out
Dear Missing Out,
I can feel your heartbreak from here and I am so sorry you are hurting. It can be super hard to go through these meaningful family times apart from one another, especially when the reality hits that some of those traditions may be gone for good. So, what is one to do in a situation like this? How do we ease the pain and find a path forward?
The truth is, I think you’ve got the first step covered: acknowledging that a major change has happened in your life. It also sounds as if you have done a good job of letting yourself feel the feelings that come with this transition. That is important, too!
So, then the question becomes, what do you do from here to help yourself to ease the pain? I think, in part, the answer lies in starting new traditions. These new traditions can include your daughter from afar, or you can start new ones that are focused on your new life without her nearby. Let’s talk about options for each of the two occasions that you are struggling with.
For your daughter’s birthday, you could continue to wake her up by singing “Happy Birthday,” just via phone or FaceTime. But, if that feels too similar and, therefore, painful, then coming up with something entirely different to do can be fun. Maybe it’s sending a long text message that tells her all of the things that you are proud of her for doing over the past year. Maybe it’s sending a special care package ahead of time to open together over FaceTime. Maybe it’s starting a funny tradition, like sending her a singing telegram. Or maybe you team up with her roommate to do something fun. The other thing that I would recommend for this day is that you and your husband do something nice to fill your time and not feel the hole so much. Going to dinner and/or a movie might be good, or maybe it’s meeting up with friends for a distracting good time. The point is, do something that feels nice and distracting to you.
For the Easter scavenger hunt, sending a care package of fun Easter goodies is always an option, but for the actual day, there are a couple of fun ideas you could explore: (1) you and your husband could do scavenger hunts for each other; (2) if you attend a church, you could get involved in whatever fun egg hunt or other tradition they have for the smaller kids; (3) you could do a fun neighborhood art type project that could become a year-round scavenger hunt for your neighbors, such as painting rocks with positive messages and then placing them around your neighborhood for people to find; or (4) you could use it as a day to do something satisfying and spring-like such as working in the garden.
These may not be the perfect ideas for you, so please feel free to change them and make them your own. But, the point is to start new traditions, ones that will be meaningful and bring you joy.