A divorcee is excluded by married friends and asks how to get them to include her again. Jessica offers up ways to navigate this tricky social situation and make the friends understand how their behavior is hurtful without causing drama.
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Divorcee is Excluded By Married Friends
HEY JESSICA: My divorce was (finally) finalized about a year ago. While there have definitely been some challenges as my kids and I adjusted to our new normal, overall, things have gone pretty smoothly. But there is one area of my life that I’ve really been struggling with and that is friendships. It seems like ever since I got divorced my friends who are still married don’t include me as much anymore. They’ll invite me for the occasional “girls’ night,” but now that I am single, they no longer invite me to get togethers that include partners. On my generous days, I think it is because they don’t want me to feel like an extra wheel or out of place, but on my crankier days I feel like it is a major rejection – after all, I was friends with their partners, too, don’t they want to see me? I tried to be patient and give them time to readjust, but now I’m over it. Is there a way to fix this or am I just destined to only hang out with other divorcees or my female friends when they’re flying solo? ~Single But Social
DEAR SINGLE BUT SOCIAL:
As someone who has not been through divorce myself, I can’t speak personally to this situation, but I will say that this it is a struggle that I have heard described by other divorcees, so you are not alone in this!
As uncomfortable as it may be, I believe that the best option in this case is honesty. I would pick one friend who you trust and feel comfortable talking to and mention the issue you are having. I would likely start by saying something like, “I’ve noticed that since my divorce the only time I see you and our friends is when it is a ladies’ night and that I am not getting invited to activities with all the spouses get together. I have my theories about why this might be happening, but instead of just making assumptions I thought I would check-in with you to see what is going on.” Then, based on her response, you have different options moving forward.
If she acts surprised and like she hadn’t noticed, then I would take her at her word and just say, “I’m so glad that there isn’t an issue. Next time you are all getting together, I hope you will consider including me in the plans because I miss hanging out with the whole gang.”
If she explains that they thought you might feel uncomfortable or out of place, then I’d respond with grace and reassurance. Something like, “I really appreciate that you were taking my feelings into account and maybe in the early months of the divorce I might have felt uncomfortable, but I’m really happy with my life now and would love to be included again.”
If she says that they didn’t know how to choose between you and your ex-husband, so they just went with no one, then I would acknowledge the discomfort they are feeling and then, depending on what the status of your relationship with your ex-husband is, offer possible solutions. So, you might start with, “I can see how that might feel awkward, and I really don’t want to force anyone to have to pick sides, but perhaps we could find a way to at least include me in some things (and maybe my ex in other things).” Or it might be, “I can see how that might feel awkward, and I don’t want to force anyone to pick sides, but I want to reassure you that we are mature and comfortable enough with things now that we are actually able to be at larger functions together, so please don’t worry about drama on my end.”
One final thought: if the direct conversation feels too scary, another way to go would be to invite some of the couples to do something together. Maybe it is inviting them to your house for dinner or to go to a concert, but by taking the initiative you can show that you are comfortable with being the only single person and would welcome the time with your friends.
In the end, I think the key is to show that you are doing well, are confident in your single status, and are eager to become part of the group again. Good luck!