A concerned wife describes feeling like the stress of life has left her marriage feeling more like their are roommates than partners and asks for advice on how to reconnect in a long-term marriage. Jessica normalizes her feelings and offers ways to tackle this concern.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
Are We Just Roommates? How to Reconnect in a Long-Term Marriage
HEY JESSICA: I’m worried about my marriage. I feel like we are good partners in that we parent well together and get the important life things done, thanks to each of us taking responsibility for certain tasks, but our lives are so busy and stressful that by the end of the day and on the weekends, we are both so tired that there is no energy left for connecting with one another. My husband is a good guy, a great dad, and is very supportive, but it has begun to feel like we are just good roommates or friends. Is this just what happens to marriages over time or are we doing something wrong? And how can we fix it? ~So Close, And Yet So Far Away
DEAR SO CLOSE:
OK, so first I want to say that I feel you on this one. Big time. And not only that, but I think A LOT of the readers of this column will feel you on this. Why? Because us parents are completely and utterly tapped out. I mean, the feelings of stress and overwhelm that have likely led to you and your husband being in this situation are so common that last month the Surgeon General issued an advisory on the mental health of parents! In fact, in that advisory he noted that 41% (41%!!) of parents say that “they are so stressed most days they can’t function.” So, unless there is more to the story you aren’t sharing, I think you can blame the stress here rather than the idea that you did something wrong or that your love is somehow fading.
But that doesn’t mean that you should just accept the reality you are living in! It sounds like you would like to change the dynamic that has formed. So, then the question becomes how to reconnect in a long-term marriage?
The first thing I would recommend, if you haven’t already, is to talk with your husband about what you are feeling. It is important here that you frame the conversation in a way that doesn’t assign blame, but rather notes a pattern that has formed and also that it seems to be a common issue for many couples. It could be by saying something like, “I’ve realized recently that our lives have gotten so busy that we barely have time to connect anymore and I really miss you. Have you been noticing this, too?” Or, “Did you hear about the advisory that the Surgeon General put out about how stressed parents are? This made me think about our stress and how we’re so busy that we don’t really get to connect anymore. Have you noticed that, too?”
Now, it may be that your husband immediately agrees and you two can be off and running on finding a solution (ideas about that in a second), but it could also be that he hasn’t noticed and is actually taken aback. If this is the case, I encourage you not to take it personally. His not noticing is not an expression of him not valuing you, it is likely an expression of how overburdened he is. Similarly, he may get defensive and feel like you are criticizing him. If that happens, then I would encourage you to be very clear that you aren’t blaming him but are rather noting a pattern that has naturally developed as you both try your best to balance all of the different obligations in life. Then, express that you would love to find solutions together.
So, what might those solutions be in this life stage of overwhelm? If all you feel like you have to give right now is an hour or two, then maybe it’s as simple as scheduling a date. If you can afford it (and need one), find an evening soon when you can hire a sitter and go out for a meal and just talk without the interruption of kids. And if a nighttime date is hard, then playing hooky in the middle of the day while kids are at school is also a great option. Meet up for lunch, go to a museum or a movie in the middle of the day, go for a hike, or just find another way to relax and have fun together.
If, on the other hand, you feel like one date isn’t enough to rebuild that connection, then it might be worthwhile to do one (or more) of the following:
- Find a time to sit down together and do the following activity: take a few minutes to sit quietly and either think about or write down what it is that made each of you fall in love with your partner in the first place. What was it that drew you to one another? Then, after you have each thought about it, face one another and share what you came up with. It is amazing how powerful both remembering the things that attracted you to your partner and hearing the things that attracted them to you can be. It can transport you back to memories of really fun, simpler times and give you a little bit of that spark again. You can do this same kind of exercise with other prompts such as, what does your partner do that you are grateful for, what do you love about your partner now, and what are three physical traits that you love about your partner. All of these can both fill you with appreciation and feel appreciated in ways that are so easy to forget when we are busy.
- Schedule a weekly or monthly date. It could be a night out, a morning walk, or even an evening where the kids go to bed and you two cuddle up on the couch and watch a show that is just for you two. One couple I know goes to brunch together every Sunday while their kids are at Sunday school. The point is to carve out a regular time that is just for you.
- Make a point of being more physically affectionate with one another, without the expectation of sex. This may sound silly, but once we become parents it can be really easy to be so focused on providing physical affection and attention to our kids that we forget about one another. But both giving and receiving hugs, back rubs, even just passing squeezes as we walk by can make us feel seen and connected.
So, hang in there, So Close. You aren’t alone. And while it may take a little time to rebuild the connection fully and find a way to regularly connect again, there is a reason the two of you got together in the first place and I have faith that together you can work toward finding that spark again.