HEY JESSICA: Why can’t I handle my alcohol anymore? Last Friday night, I had 1 ½ glasses of red wine while my husband and I watched a movie and ate pizza. But I woke up the next day and felt hung over. I was like “this is crazy, I did not have much to drink” but I really felt it. Then on Sunday night, we went to a birthday party. Again, I had some wine, about 2 glasses, and I felt miserable the next day. I looked it up online and it said that around age 50, our bodies change and women become more sensitive to alcohol. I am only 47 and still get my period every month but I am wondering if there is a connection between not being able to tolerate alcohol anymore and perimenopause. Beyond that, the deeper question for me is how to change my habits? ~A Wine Lover

DEAR WINE LOVER: First off, you are not alone! In fact, adults of both genders can experience worsening hangovers as they they get older, it just happens that women get some bonus side effects, too. Why does this happen to most people as they age? Well, as we get older, the enzymes in our liver that process alcohol become less active, which means that alcohol remains in our bodies for longer. Women always have less of this enzyme than men (this is one of the reasons that women tend to have a lower alcohol tolerance than men), so we get the added bonus of experiencing hangovers later in life more than men. In addition, it’s harder to stay hydrated as we get older and since alcohol is a natural diuretic, it can leave us further dehydrated (and, therefore, more hungover). So that’s for everyone. For some women in particular, though, there’s the added bonus of wine (and sometimes beer) being even more problematic as they can trigger certain menopausal symptoms such as hot flashes and night sweats. This is due to the presence of sulphites, histamines, and tyramine in the wine. Some women find that they do better with hard liquor rather than beer or wine (although go carefully, because the alcohol content is higher!), others find that white wine is OK but red wine is harder to handle (more sulphites), and still others realize that they sleep and feel better when they cut it out completely and that is worth it to them. In short, it is all about the individual. 

In terms of the second part of your question, whether and how to avoid drinking all together, I’ve encountered women who have handled this question in a wide variety of ways. Some decide to cut alcohol out completely. To help with this, I have found that it’s nice to come up with a replacement drink to enjoy instead — a sparkling juice or one of the now more widely available non-alcoholic beers or wines are great options. Other women I know have decided to cut alcohol out for most days of the week, but enjoy a limited amount on one or two nights of the week. This can give your liver more time to recuperate and also allow you some flexibility, if that is important to you. 

Personally, a few years ago I started having some really wicked hangovers and absolutely wretched night sweats after nights of hanging out (drinking) with friends. After it happened a few times, I realized that something had to shift, so I started paying attention to what were my triggers. I discovered that if I drank red wine or hard liquor, I was pretty much guaranteed to have a hangover and practically drown in my own sweat, but that if I took a couple specific actions I was able to enjoy up to three glasses of white wine without any nasty repercussions. So, now, on regular nights I have one glass of white wine, and on nights when I am out with friends, I limit myself to no more than three glasses of wine (two if they are big pours), I make sure to drink a large glass of water in between each glass of wine, and I make sure to eat enough (I have found that when I am socializing I often forget to eat enough and an empty stomach is the quickest way for me to get a hangover). 

So, I would encourage you to look back on the nights when this has happened to you (or future nights when it happens again) and pay attention to 1) what type of alcohol you’re drinking, 2) how much you have, 3) how much water you’re drinking, and 4) how much food is in your stomach. Once you have that information in your back pocket, figuring out the next steps might become just a little bit easier.

HEY JESSICA: Why, if I am eating basically the same amount of and kind of food that I’ve been eating for the past 20 years and exercising the same amount (if not more, to some degree), is the weight slowly, but steadily creeping on? And what can I do about it? ~Trying Not to Panic

DEAR TRYING NOT TO PANIC: Ok, let’s get honest about this: the weight gain that happens to many women during perimenopause (the 7-10 years leading up to menopause, which you have officially hit once you go for an entire year without having a period) is some serious B.S.! Whether you’re someone who has always struggled with body image, someone who never really worried about their weight, or someone who has done a lot of work to become body positive/neutral, the shift (which is often dramatic and rapid) can come as a real shock. But I do want to assure you that it is very common and not something to beat yourself up about (I know, I know, easier said than done)!

So why does it happen? First off, weight gain at middle age is common among both men and women. This is because as we age our metabolisms naturally slow down, which leads to a decrease in muscle mass, which, in turn, results in fewer calories being burned and more fat accumulating. For women, there is also a hormonal piece of the puzzle. As we all know, menopause is when our menstrual cycle stops. What many of us aren’t as aware of, though, is that there is also a major shift in our hormones at this stage of life. And, in the case of weight gain, there are three hormones that have an impact. First, as our menstrual cycles wind down, our estrogen levels drop. This decrease can lead to an increase in insulin production, which can then lead to weight gain. Second, many women experience an increase in cortisol levels, thanks to the large amounts of stress many of us are under in this stage of life, which can also lead to weight gain. Third, the hunger hormone, ghrelin, increases during perimenopause, which means we can feel hungry more often and, therefore, eat more.

I know, Trying Not to Panic, that you mentioned that you’ve been eating the same amount as always, but I did want to note that research shows that many women (consciously or unconsciously) actually eat more during this stage of life. One of the reasons researchers believe that this is true is our exhaustion levels. Not only is this stage of life pretty exhausting and intense, but the hormone fluctuations we experience can impact our sleep (hello, hot flashes) and also our insulin resistance (which can make us feel tired). And, as we all know, when humans are tired, they crave more sugar and caffeine (and generally more calories)…

As someone who has struggled to overcome my own personal demons when it comes to body image and is a big proponent of body acceptance and intuitive eating, I find that the question of what to do about the weight gain leads to a delicate balance. While I believe that there is great value in finding ways to love your body no matter its shape or size, there are some health impacts with this specific type of weight gain that, I believe, warrant an increase of attention, not necessarily with the express purpose of losing weight, but with the intention of improving our chances for an active and healthy future. The type of weight gain that happens at this stage in our lives is often focused around the midsection (someone people even call it “menopause belly”). This sort of weight gain is, unfortunately, often tied to a higher risk of heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, respiratory challenges, and stroke. I addition, added weight can further exacerbate arthritis. None of these are issues we want to ignore if we want to have an active and healthy next few decades. So, while I don’t advocate for weight loss per se, I do think it is worthwhile to take a look at our diet and exercise routine to see if there are ways to improve our overall health (rather than focusing on weight or appearance).

In terms of diet, there are lots of schools of thought about what the healthiest diet for menopausal women is. Some advocate for a protein-heavy diet, while others argue that the Mediterranean Diet is the best bet. Personally, I would lean towards the Mediterranean Diet more because it includes more fruits and vegetables, is higher in fiber, and is less restrictive (something I personally chafe against), but the important thing is to find an approach that is going to leave you feeling nourished, satisfied, and not deprived. If weight loss is a top priority, I would encourage you to either talk to a doctor or nutritionist who is knowledgeable about perimenopause/menopause, as there are specific needs for women at this age. One final note on diet: even if you have worked with a nutritionist or found an approach to eating that worked well for you for many years, as our bodies go through this massive shift, taking another look can be really powerful as certain things that “always worked” for us may have shifted.

For exercise, we come from a generation that tended to focus heavily on cardio exercise (I know I wasn’t the only one obsessed with aerobics, step classes, Tae Bo, and even running), but new research is pointing to the importance, especially later in life, of strength training. And, if we go back to the loss of muscle mass that I talked about earlier, working to build muscle makes a lot of sense. So, while walks, running, or whatever cardio you have been doing is great, I would encourage you to consider incorporating some sort of strength training into your weekly routine at least twice a week. Strength training can include lifting weights, but can also mean resistance or body-weight training! So, if pumping iron isn’t your thing, perhaps consider pilates, high-intensity interval training, or even just planks and push-ups.

Finally, because of who I am and what I believe, I want to end this on a positive note. I know that our bodies aging and changing isn’t the most fun. There are times when it can even feel pretty demoralizing. But, as I have started on this journey myself, I have tried to keep two things in mind: 1) these changes are part of the natural course of life and are not due to any sort of weakness or failure on my part, 2) this body has done a lot of for me – it has birthed two children, hiked mountains, allowed me to travel, enabled me to dance my butt off on numerous occasions, and so much more. So, I can either be angry at my body or I can accept that there will be change and focus on making sure I am as healthy and vibrant as I can be. I choose the acceptance route. 

HEY JESSICA: I love my spouse, and we make a good team, but we have very different interests and passions in the world. I worry that when kids are out of the house we will drift apart. I have a recurring bad dream about us sitting at dinner, with nothing to say. Where should I look for inspiration for this next chapter in life, to help me stay close with my spouse? ~Devoted But Nervous

DEAR DEVOTED BUT NERVOUS : Thank you for asking this super important question! When I first started thinking about working to support women in midlife, I went on a fact-finding mission that included interviews with a handful of women and then a survey of a much larger group. In both cases, one of the concerns I heard most was exactly what you are describing: concern that once the kids have left the nest, there won’t be much to hold the partnership together anymore. Given this is such a common worry, I have been thinking a lot about why it might be and what can be done about it.

First, I think we have to ask ourselves why so many women in midlife are concerned that they don’t share many common interests with their spouses/partners. And I have come to believe that it is actually an offshoot of what, I think, is one of the best parts of the midlife stage for women: we start to prioritize our own desires more. We’ve all heard the stereotype that the best thing about getting to your 40s/50s is that you start caring a lot less what other people think. And that is true. But the other way to look at this phenomenon is that you are paying closer attention to your own desires and needs. You are, perhaps for the first time in your life, prioritizing yourself (at least to a certain extent). And, as we get more in tune with what our priorities and interests are for this next stage of life, it can become clear that those interests differ from those of our partner. This can be uncomfortable and even scary, but it doesn’t have to be, especially if you can (1) be honest with yourself about what it is you want and (2) communicate honestly and openly with your partner.

Before you share your concerns with your partner, though, I think it’s important to get really clear about what it is you want, both in terms of activities you want to engage in and in terms of how you want your relationship to look. To do this, I would start by taking some time to imagine what you want your life to look like once you are an empty nester. Will you be working more or less than you are now? Are there activities, passions, or hobbies that you are excited to pursue? Are there any activities that you really hope you and your partner can do together? Do you want a partnership where you two do everything together or are you interested in sharing some activities but also having passions that you engage in separately? Really try to imagine the ideal for yourself in detail. You can do this as a writing/journaling exercise, as a thought to ponder on a walk, or as something to think about, off and on, for a few weeks.

Once you have reached some clarity for yourself, then it’s time to actually talk with your partner about the fear you have, but also your vision for what you want life to look like. There is, of course, a chance that none of this has even occurred to them and they will be stunned by it, but there is also a chance that it is worrying them, too. Either way, getting it out in the open so it can be faced head on is important. If you’re worried that their feelings will be hurt by this confession, then I would recommend starting out with (and reiterating as necessary) that you are bringing this up because you love them and want to have many wonderful decades together, but that you also want to make sure that both of you are fulfilled and happy as individuals as well. In your question, Devoted but Nervous, you asked where to “look for inspiration” and the truth is that I think inspiration will come from the two of you. And if doing this on your own is too scary, then I would highly recommend finding a couples therapist who can help the two of you work through this issue together.

If you two really share no common interests (outside of kids and daily life), then it’s time for you two to do some brainstorming. Try to think of some things that you might be able to do together that could be really fun. This is an opportunity to dream, so really go for it! Think big! One place to start on this is at the very beginning… when you first got together, were there things you loved doing together that you could bring back into your lives? Or, is there a skill you’d both be interested in learning, places you’d love to travel to, volunteering you could both enjoy, an organization or issue you’d both love to be involved with? And, finally, another approach would be to ask, is there a passion of yours that you’d love to share with your partner or vice versa? When I left for college, for example, my dad decided to start riding horses because that was a passion of my mom’s. Whatever you come up with doesn’t have to be set in stone or the permanent answer, but it will at least get you both to start thinking about what you can share together.

Finally, I want to make a plug for a balance between independence and togetherness. While those little old married couples who do everything together are adorable and admirable, that is the exception rather than the rule. I personally think there is a lot to be said for finding a shared activity or passion, while also maintaining our own, separate interests, too. If there are passions that you really want to pursue that your partner just isn’t interested in, that’s OK and you should still follow those passions, either on your own or with a friend! So, take that pottery class, sign up for that volunteer job, book that trip with a friend instead or your partner (or be a true badass and go solo)! Not only will it bring you joy, but it will also give you two more to share with one another at that dinner table.

HEY JESSICA: My spouse and I each have steady jobs and think of ourselves as upper-middle class. We save for emergencies (few months expenses), medium term (new roof in 10 years) and long term (retirement). We also put away a few hundred dollars a month for college, but it feels silly. There’s NO WAY we will be able to afford the astronomical college tuition. But we also don’t want our kid to finish school with exorbitant debt that will follow him for decades. We’re not alone, right? Why aren’t more people talking about this? ~Comfortable But Worried

DEAR COMFORTABLE BUT WORRIED: Now, I may know a lot about cooking, life balance, relationships, and mental health, but money is not a topic I consider myself an expert in. It’s actually something that causes me to feel anxiety, just like you, Comfortable But Worried. And, since I want this advice column to include really good, sound advice, from time to time I will call on experts to help me in answering your questions. For this doozy of a question that I know so many of us are thinking about (even if we aren’t talking about it openly), I reached out to one of my entrepreneurial besties: Certified Financial Planner and Founder of Fearless Finance (an hourly, fiduciary, on-demand financial planning provider), Lori Atwood. Not only have I known Lori for over a decade, but I have also used her amazing services myself. And if anyone gets it, it’s Lori. Below you will find Lori’s advice on the finance side and then my thoughts on how to navigate the worries that accompany all of this. So, without further ado, here is what Lori had to say:

Saving for college is hard for anyone and for some people it feels like a mountain that is impossible to climb. The numbers are eye-watering, but the key is starting early and being consistent. What I recommend to young parents is that they put away $500-600/month for a baby/toddler and while I know that is a lot of money, especially when paying for daycare, it matters a lot down the road. That $500/month is actually $6K per year and if you invest that $6k/year into a 529 where the gains grow tax free, you should have about $150k at college graduation (5.5% gains over 16 years). 

As a planner and parent, I am looking for parents to have HALF of a private college tuition by high school graduation. I don’t recommend trying to save $300K by high school graduation because:

1) it feels too overwhelming and feeling overwhelmed makes people want to give up;

2) your child could go to state school and typically in that case $125-150K will cover the entirety of it; and

3) it’s always best to pay as much as possible from current income to avoid inflation, market, and fee risk.

That few hundred dollars you save each month should be growing (how to invest it is another conversation) and the goal is about HALF of what your child will spend over his/her college career. The remainder should be paid with parental current income, child income (summer jobs should generate $2-4K/year), and the child’s subsidized student loans if he/she qualifies.

Please continue saving. Don’t give up. Your funds are growing and EVERY LITTLE BIT helps.

OK. So, Lori gave the good, sound financial advice and for those of you who can afford to save what she suggested (or even a fraction of it), please follow what she suggests! But, if her recommended scenario is either not what you did and your kid is now older than preschool (like mine, who are in 8th and 10th grades) or the amount she recommended saving is outside your realm of reality, PLEASE do not freak out! I can promise you that my family, for instance, was not able to do what Lori suggests and are still feeling (relatively) OK about paying for college.

As my eldest gets closer and closer to applying for college, there are a couple of things that I have been trying to keep in mind:

• Times have changed and, while where you go to college is important, the reality is that graduate school of some sort might also be in your kids’ future, so undergrad isn’t necessarily the end-game it once was.
• More than prestige, the most important thing is that you are able to find a college that is the right fit for your kid. Will they be happy there? Will they feel welcomed, comfortable, challenged, and able to grow and mature in the environment of the school? That should be the goal way more than the school’s name or reputation. (BTW, if you’ve got driven kids who have high expectations of where they will end up for college, or if a prestigious school is important to you, I encourage you to keep this perspective in mind, especially as the college application process gets more and more competitive and crazy with each passing year!)
• While coming out of undergrad with no debt would be lovely, for many people a more realistic goal is to simply try to decrease the amount of debt they will have. Saving as much as you can is great, but it’s also important to minimize the stress of making yourself miserable in order to reach a specific goal.
• Retirement is important, too! While paying for college for your kids is wonderful, making sure you have enough to retire on is, in many ways, more important. After all, you deserve a comfortable retirement and burdening your kids with supporting you could be harder on them than paying off school loans.

So, in short, don’t go for perfect here, go for good enough. And if this all feels really scary, talk to someone! Reach out to Lori and her team at Fearless Finance for hourly, on-demand financial planning or talk to another financial planner who can help you to make sense of your specific financial situation. You’ve got this! 

HEY JESSICA: Hot flashes. I still can’t tell if I’m having them, or having some pre-HF version? The person I share a bed with is a damn furnace, so it’s often hard to tell if I’m just reacting to him or if it’s coming from me. So, will it be abundantly clear once I really have one or, like the weight gain, is this a slow creep kinda thing and they just build up until I’m my own private hot spring? ~I’m Melting

DEAR I’M MELTING: It sounds like you have discovered the joys of the insane sweating that can occur, seemingly at random, for many women in midlife. Congratulations, you’ve managed to snag one of the hottest tickets in town! (Sorry, dad joke.) All kidding aside, these periods of intense heat are no fun and can really impact your life. It sounds as if you are experiencing your super-hot episodes at night, which leads us to two questions: (1) is this due to hormonal changes that are happening in your body (i.e., perimenopause/menopause) or is it due to some other physical reason? And (2) if they are due to hormones, are they hot flashes or night sweats? Yup, there’s a difference. Once that is figured out, then what can be done becomes clearer.

First, let’s rule out reasons outside of menopause. If this is a new thing (which I assume it is from what you have described), I don’t think we can blame your furnace of a partner (unless he’s new to your bed, of course). But there are some other potential reasons for temperature surges outside of hormones. If you have started a new medication (especially antidepressants, cortisone, or diabetes medications); struggle with sleep apnea; are experiencing other symptoms such as unexplained weight loss, mood changes, or an unexplained fever; or have a more serious health condition such as hyperthyroidism, neurological disorders, or cancer, then it may be wise to check in with your doctor. If none of these seem to apply to you, then it is likely due to hormonal shifts.

So, now let’s talk about hot flashes v. night sweats. A hot flash is a brief surge of heat that focuses itself in the upper body, usually lasting anywhere from 2-4 to at most 10 minutes. When a woman is experiencing a hot flash, she will often get flushed and sweaty, and then, once the surge is over, chilled and even shivering. Hot flashes can occur both during the day and at night.

Night sweats, on the other hand, only happen at night and are a more prolonged experience of heat where your entire body gets drenched in sweat. Once the sweating has ceased, you can also get cold and shivery, but it is the full body and longer length of time that distinguishes them from hot flashes.

Then, the next question becomes: what to do about it. And this is where it really is a personal decision and, perhaps, an evolving one as many women will experiences ebbs and flows in the frequency and intensity of their hot flashes/night sweats, depending on their hormone levels and other external factors such as stress and diet. If this is only happening occasionally, then you may decide it is just an infrequent annoyance and that you can live with it. If, on the other hand, they are frequent or just really uncomfortable, then you may want to take some action.

The first thing I recommend, and this is something that I think is helpful for all kinds of issues that we face both during perimenopause and throughout life, is to fill out a food journal for about a week to see what patterns might arise. Now, to be clear, this is not a food log like you might have done when you were on a diet. You are not tracking calories or even macronutrients and this is not meant to make you feel guilty about what you have had to eat or drink. Instead, this is a food journal to track what you eat and drink and how it makes you feel. So, for about a week, you just jot down everything you eat and drink and then note how you feel immediately afterwards, about 2 hours later, and then again how you felt that night. To do this you can use just a plain notebook (or, if you want, just hit reply and I will send you a PDF of a food journal that you can print out and use for this purpose). After a week, review your journal and see what patterns you notice. Are there certain foods that trigger these temperature surges? In particular, pay close attention to alcohol, caffeine, spicy foods, and meat as those tend to be triggers for many women. (For me, I discovered that I got night sweats when I had more than two glasses of wine, so I now usually stick to one glass and then make exceptions when the loss of sleep feels worthwhile to me.) Once you have that information, then you can decide what you want to do, which could range from nothing to reducing your intake to cutting the triggering items out completely.

Another thing you can do is make your bedroom more conducive to sleep. You can do this by making the room cooler, changing your sheets and pajamas to more breathable fabrics (cotton and bamboo are both great), or investing in cooling sheets, pillows, and/or mattress toppers. (Personally, I switched our sheets to organic cotton and now wear shorts and a tank top to sleep all year long – no more flannel PJ pants for me in winter!)

Finally, if these interventions don’t provide the relief you desire or if you decide that you are not willing to give up that spicy curry you love so much or that glass of wine at the end of the day (which would be understandable since the point is to be happy, not to feel deprived all the time), then you can also consider talking with your OB/GYN about whether you are a good candidate for a medical intervention.

One last thought: I think it is important to note that it is, of course, always your choice how proactive you want to be about these sweating episodes. If they become more frequent and/or severe, though, I do encourage you to try to find a solution for yourself as research has shown that women who experience frequent night sweats struggle more with stress and depression, which will only make this time of change more difficult. 

HEY JESSICA: My son and I have always been quite close but recently, as he’s entered the second half of high school, I have noticed that he seems to be more easily irritated and sometimes really nasty, less talkative (he used to tell me pretty much everything), and less interested in spending time with the family. I am trying not to take it personally, but it really hurts my heart, especially as I am super aware that he will be off to college sooner than I would like. How can I repair the relationship and return things to how they used to be before he leaves the nest? ~A Heartsick Mom

DEAR HEARTSICK MOM: Oh, man. I feel you on this one big time! It is absolutely heart-wrenching when our teenagers start to pull away from us. It can feel like a major rejection, especially if you have been super close up until now. Given that you mentioned that you are trying not to take it personally, I think you know what I am about to say, but I think it is worthwhile to say anyway: what is happening is not only normal, it is probably a good thing.

In many ways, the teen years are very similar to the toddler years: it’s a time of discovery and experimentation with independence. In the toddler years, the tantrums and insistence that they do things on their own is their way of moving from being a baby who is dependent upon you for everything to a distinct individual. In the teen years, that same sort of separation needs to happen, but in this case it is going from being a child to an independent young adult. They need to separate from us in order to be able to manage the new-found independence and freedom they will experience—whether they go to college or jump right into the working world. And this time around, instead of tantrums (although, if we’re being honest, there are still some tantrums) we get snarky-ness, sullen moods, less information shared, and breaking of rules/pushing boundaries. It can be an exhausting and challenging time.

So, how do you handle this stressful time? You set clear expectations, you make yourself available without hovering, and you let them pull away. Let’s go through each of those pieces one by one.

As I said, teens are seeking autonomy. They want to be able to make their own decisions, but that doesn’t mean that they are entirely capable of doing so. So, one of your jobs as the parent of the teen is to set expectations so that your teen is aware of what behaviors are acceptable and which are not (this will be different for each family) and then trust them to explore, but not cross, the limitations you have set. And let’s be clear, they will very likely push those boundaries and defy your expectations at some point (or multiple times). That is also normal. Your job in those moments will be to be calm, clear, and consistent – because just as toddlers need to test the limits and then find a safe path back to that parental “home base,” teenagers need you to lovingly but firmly hold them accountable, which leads us to the second task: making yourself available without hovering.

Teenagers may act like they don’t care what we think or whether or not we are available, but they really, really do. They need to know that they have that secure and safe place to come back to. They need to know we are there for them. So how do we express that without being helicopter parents? We make space for low pressure one-on-one time, such as car rides, watching TV or reels together (my teen son LOVES to show me his favorite funny reels, which I sometimes find mind-numbingly boring, but sit through because he is sharing a part of his life with me), or participating in an activity you both enjoy together (video games, hiking, bike rides, etc.). We note when they seem down or sad and let them know that if they ever want to talk, we are here (and if they show up at our bedroom door at 11pm we force our eyes to stay open so we can be present for them). We make sure they know that we’ve got their backs, should they need us, but we allow them to be their own self-advocates and problem-solvers. And we listen way more than we talk.

And then there is the hardest one: we let them pull away. This is where you have to trust. You have to trust that you have set the expectations and made yourself available in such a way that they have the safety net they need and are now ready to venture out on their own. Why do we have to do this? Because if we don’t, if we instead hold on tight, they will have to pull away harder and we risk harming the relationship in the long run. So, we breathe deep, trust that we have done what we had to do, and step back.

The good news, though, is that if all goes well, they will come back. It won’t be the same, of course, after all they will have done some major growing up as they explored their autonomy. But if we have been able to maintain that trust, they’ll be able to return to us for support, guidance, and so much more throughout the many stages yet to come in their lives.

So in conclusion, Heartsick Mom, I know it is super hard to let go of what once was and I completely understand the desire to return to those earlier times, but the truth is that now is the time when we have to let them spread their wings and start experimenting with leaving the nest, especially if eventually we want to see them soar. 

HEY JESSICA: I have spent years building a solid career that in many ways I am proud of, but now that things are at a pretty stable place, I am looking out at the horizon and thinking, “am I really going to do THIS for another 20 years?!?!” I know I should be grateful for all that I have and proud of all that I have accomplished, but the future just feels so stagnant and uninspiring. Is this a midlife crisis? How do I know if I can keep this going or if I am going to need a career change to be truly happy?  ~Is That All There Is?

DEAR IS THAT ALL THERE IS: What you are describing is a super common experience for so many of us in midlife! We started out our careers with great ambitions and plans and over the past 15-20 years we have worked diligently to make our dreams a reality. The good news is, it sounds like in many ways you have done that! Congratulations! The less comfortable news (notice, I didn’t say “bad news”) is that it sounds as if you are questioning whether or not that will be enough for you.

As someone who has gone through this process herself, I can tell you that figuring out the answer to that question can be scary and hard, but it can also be incredibly exciting and empowering.

What I have come to believe is that in order to answer the question about whether or not our career path is the one we want to remain on, we first need to take a step back and think more broadly about what we want our life to look like now and into the future. And only after doing that can we determine whether our career fits into that broader vision or whether there is a shift that needs to be made. This can feel like a pretty overwhelming undertaking, so I thought that I would share an exercise that I put together for a workshop I ran last fall that can walk you through the process a bit. Feel free to follow it step by step, or take the pieces that most resonate with you… 

I see doing this work as a multi-step process (that probably takes 30-60 minutes, start to finish). First, we need to ensure that the things that we believe in and value most (what I like to call our core tenets) are in alignment with how we live our lives—which means we need to identify what those core tenets actually are. Second, we need to think about what we want our future to look like, according to those core tenets. Third, we then assess whether our current career path can align with this vision. And finally, we examine what needs to happen to bring all of this together so that we have a future that we are actually looking forward to. Here’s how I like to do this…

For step one, sit down in a quiet place, or at least somewhere where you won’t be interrupted, and do the following:

• First, take 5 minutes to answer the following prompt: At this stage of your life, what are the things you would never give up?
• Then, take another 5 minutes to look at that list and see what themes arise and then group those themes into five or so core tenets (values) that you want your life to embody.

For the second step, you are working to visualize what you truly want your future to look like. So, take another 5-10 minutes, again uninterrupted, to write out what you want your life to look like 5 years from now (you can also do this for 10 or even 20 years, but personally I find 5 years to be the most effective for visualizing my own life). Go into as much detail as possible. This can be a really stream-of-consciousness kind of exercise – it doesn’t need to be organized or articulate, it is just a way to let all of those ideas flow out. Some questions you might want to consider are: 

• Who is living with you (partner, kids, parents, etc.)? 
• Do you live where you are currently or elsewhere? 
• Are you still working? If so, how much and are you working for yourself or someone else? 
• What do your finances look like? 
• What are your passions? Hobbies? Joys? 
• Are there challenges you are facing?

Next, it’s time to look at your career within the context of your values (step one) and vision for the future (step two). So, ask yourself the following: In order to fulfill this 5-year visualization, what are priorities for your work? Money? Time? Notoriety? Having a job simply as a way to make a living or furthering a career? Then, look at these priorities in the context of the job you have now. Will your current job be able to fulfill this 5-year visualization and does it help you live up to those core tenets you identified?

Finally, it’s time to assess what needs to happen to bring all of this together so that you have a future that you are actually looking forward to.

If you determined that your current career can in fact line up with your vision for your future, then think in detail about what you need to do with your job, as well as with other parts of your life, to bring this 5-year visualization to fruition. What are the milestones you will need to reach over the course of those 5 years? If, on the other hand, you found that your current career path doesn’t align with your vision, then starting to brainstorm what you might want to be different and what options might very well be in your near future (if you find this is challenging, hit reply and I can give you some prompts to think about).

One final, important note. I know it can feel scary to look this closely at whether or not your life aligns with your core tenets, especially if you find that it doesn’t. But as you look at all of this, I hope that you will also take pride in all you have accomplished. Remember that you couldn’t have gotten to who and where you are without the experiences you have had, and that you still have so much time and adventure ahead of you, no matter whether you stick with the same career or move on to something new.

HEY JESSICA: Now that summer is here, I’m realizing that means that I have to face going to the pool and beach, which means bathing suits. I have never loved putting on a bathing suit, but now as my body softens (to put it delicately) and dimples (read: cellulite f-ing everywhere), I dread it even more. I know the politically correct thing to do is to embrace my aging body, be grateful for all it’s done for me, demonstrate body positivity for my kids, just enjoy the moment, etc., etc. but I just can’t. Is there anything that I can do that will actually make this experience less painful? ~I Just Wanna Hide

DEAR I JUST WANNA HIDE: Thank you so, so much for asking this question! Even though I write about and strive to live my life in a place of body acceptance, the reality is that I still have moments of dissatisfaction with my body, and pulling out the bathing suit at the start of each summer is definitely a trigger point for me, too. And somehow, I don’t think we are the only two women who have had to face this struggle. 

For years, I thought that the only way to deal with these crashes in confidence was to just get over myself, suck in my stomach, and deal. But let’s be honest, embracing our bodies is always a challenge—thanks to years and years of overwhelmingly powerful body-shaming messages, especially during the most formative years of our lives. And when you throw in the realities of our changing bodies in midlife, it can be pretty much impossible to keep those nasty, nagging internal demons quiet. And as for the “just deal” part of my plan, well, we all know that simply suffering through it is never the healthy answer. I mean, is that what you would tell a friend or your own child to do? Most likely, not.

So the question becomes: what DO you do to ensure these negative feelings don’t become overwhelming? As I have written before, I think a great starting point is always to note the negative thoughts and then challenge them. We can do this by focusing on the aspects of our appearance that we do like and also celebrating all that our bodies have done for us. But, in the harsher moments, changing our mindsets can feel unrealistic, incredibly difficult, or just plain ridiculous. So, while I do think it is absolutely worthwhile to try to change our mindsets and practice quieting the cruel voices in our heads, I also believe that practical changes are sometimes called for.

Last year, after going round and round with myself, I decided that in addition to working on my mental game in this department, I also wanted to take some more concrete action that would make putting on a bathing suit and going to the pool/beach more enjoyable. First, I invested in a bathing suit that I actually felt OK in. Up until then, I had always told myself that spending money on a bathing suit was a waste because I was never going to feel great in it and would only wear it a few times a year. But it became clear that limping along with the same, old suits that I never actually felt good in was just making me feel worse. So, I did a bunch of research on bathing suit styles, ordered some online (so I could try them on at home rather than in an awful changing room), and found one that I felt pretty good in. For me, that meant a brightly-colored and patterned high waisted tankini. The bottoms give me a lot of coverage and the top comes down low enough that I don’t feel self-conscious about my stomach.

Second, I found a coverup that I really, really loved. One that was super light and comfortable and made me feel good about myself. That way, I could wear it the vast majority of the time I was at the pool/beach, while feeling both good about how I looked and physically comfortable.

Third, I embraced the water more because, guess what, once you are in the water, no one sees your bathing suit. Not only did this help me to feel less self-conscious, but it also allowed me to enjoy what I was there to enjoy in the first place: the cool of the water.

I’m not going to lie and tell you that this solved everything. I definitely still had/have my moments of UGH, but it did take the edge off enough, which meant that I could then have the mental energy to challenge those negative thoughts and also remind myself that I am so much more than my body and that people love and value me because of those things, and not what I look like in my bathing suit. 

HEY JESSICA: My parents have lived in the same house for over 40 years and while they aren’t hoarders or anything, the amount of stuff that is in that house fills me with dread, especially as I have seen a number of friends struggle with cleaning out their parents’ houses after their parents passed or when things got tricky enough that a nursing home was necessary. I want to bring my fears up to my parents, but I am worried that I will seem heartless or as if I am pointing out their mortality. Is there any tactful way that I could breach this topic with my parents without them taking offense? ~Don’t Wanna Seem Heartless

DEAR DON’T WANNA SEEM HEARTLESS: As someone who, like you, has seen how stressful it can be when adult children (and grandchildren) are left with a house full of stuff to clean out after the passing of their parents, I first want to say that thinking ahead about this is a really good first step and you are not at all heartless in wanting to address this issue.

In my experience, when managing potentially tricky situations like this, it’s best to be compassionate but direct. In fact, I believe almost all of the material that you need for opening this discussion with your parents is right in your question! Ideally, you’ll want to have this kind of conversation in person (if possible), as much can be lost or misunderstood over the phone and you also want to do it at a time when they are open and ready to talk. So, instead of springing this sort of question on them, I would mention that you have some logistical issues about the future that you’d like to talk with them about and let them suggest when that could happen.

Then, once you’re sitting down together, I’d recommend first saying that you very much hope that you are thinking about this issue way ahead of time, but that recently a friend had to face the sad reality of cleaning out their parents’ house when their parents had not prepared for it at all. I would tell your parents how overwhelming the process was for your friend, and then convey to them that you would like to avoid this kind of situation as much as possible by working with them to think through what steps could be taken ahead of time. Then, based on their response, you can build a plan. Perhaps they have already been thinking about this and have even been taking steps you didn’t know about. Or maybe they, too, feel overwhelmed by the prospect of starting to clear out stuff and need your support. And then there’s always the possibility that they won’t want to face the issue at all.

If they have already been thinking about this or have even started working on it, you get to breathe a sigh of relief and then can offer your help. If they have thought about it but are overwhelmed, you can help them strategize and put a plan into action. In both of these cases, one possible key step would be to identify small, manageable tasks that you tackle together each time you visit. Or, if there are funds available, you could consider hiring a professional organizer to help you (there are some who even specialize in this sort of clean-out job).

If, on the other hand, they reject your initial attempt at discussing the issue, then you’ve got a trickier situation on your hands. Again, you could offer to help in increments or hire someone to help. But, if that is not the right move, then I would either leave it for now—knowing you opened the door to this conversation—or gently encourage them to raise this issue with friends of theirs to see how they are handling it as hearing from peers can be helpful.

I also want to make a plug for you not taking all of this on by yourself. If you’ve got siblings, I encourage you to bring them in to help. Ideally you can talk with them about your fears even before you talk to your parents, trying to get on the same page, and then include them in the conversation. And as for the clean-out, I hope they’ll help with that as well. If there aren’t siblings in the picture, then perhaps your partner (if you’re partnered), your children (assuming you have them and they’re old enough), or even a really good friend can pitch in from time to time. Sorting through decades of your parents’ things not only will be a lot of physical work, but will also have a huge emotional component, so remember to take it slowly and make space for processing and self-care.

HEY JESSICA: Why am I so angry all the time? I feel like things that I used to be able to handle send me over the edge these days. Sometimes it feels justified, sometimes I know I’m not being rational, but the anger is real and feels like it takes over my body. Is this a midlife crisis? Perimenopause? Or have I just become a really angry person? I’d really love to get back to my normal self. Help!  ~I’m Not An “Angry Woman”

Dear NOT AN “ANGRY WOMAN”: You are SO not alone on the anger you are feeling. Almost weekly, I hear from women who are struggling to manage their anger. The rage is real and it can be incredibly uncomfortable, especially since, as women, we were taught to suppress such feelings and definitely not act on them. 

There are a number of reasons why you could be experiencing this anger. The reality is that there is a lot of tension and stress in our world these days and this could be your reaction to it. Similarly, many people, both men and women, experience an increase in anger as they enter midlife and begin to sort through the many emotions related to this transitional time in our lives. And then there are the hormonal shifts that happen in perimenopause, which can lead to lots of emotional reactions, including rage.

I want to dig into the perimenopause piece a tiny bit because I think understanding what is happening can help you to navigate the huge feelings you are experiencing. Do you remember the mood swings during puberty? In essence, that is exactly what is happening to our bodies now, just kind of in reverse. During puberty, our hormone levels soared as our bodies developed. During perimenopause, on the other hand, our estrogen levels drop (one could even say plummet). Unfortunately, estrogen plays an important role in the production of serotonin, which is essential for both mood stabilization and happiness. So, when we experience a drop in estrogen, we also experience a drop in serotonin, which means that we can feel sad or angry. Over time, our bodies will adjust to the new estrogen levels and our moods should even out, but throughout perimenopause our bodies can struggle to make sense of what is going on—this can feel like a consistent change in mood throughout the perimenopausal journey or it can come in waves as our brains acclimate to a drop in estrogen, restabilize, and then a month or two later respond to yet another drop. So, if you are also experiencing other perimenopausal symptoms such as irregular periods, drop in libido, trouble sleeping, unexplainable weight gain, or vaginal dryness, these hormonal shifts may very well be influencing these strong emotional reactions you are having.

Whether it’s your hormones or other external forces, there are things you can do so that you don’t feel as if you have lost yourself. First, acknowledge and accept that the anger is real. Suppressing your feelings is not going to resolve the issue and may, in fact, deepen it. Then, you can start to look at what might be setting your anger off—i.e., what your triggers are. It could be that you are more apt to get angry when you are tired, hungry, or even dehydrated. But it could also be that there are certain things that you used to put up with but aren’t prepared to stand for anymore. If this is the case, then acknowledging them and then finding a way to release the anger and deal with the issues constructively may be in order.

There are many ways that you can shift your responses. The first is to just acknowledge the feelings and ask whether your response is proportional to the irritation. If not, then finding ways to calm yourself before you handle the issue may be helpful. There are the classic ways to do this such as taking deep breaths, taking a break, going for a walk, journaling, etc. But if those aren’t helping, then it may be time to look at some broader options to help you stay a bit more balanced. These could include meditation (which has been shown to reduce anxiety and anger over time), finding a creative or physical outlet (e.g., music or an exercise routine that boosts your mood), therapy (if you have big feelings that you need help processing), or medication (this could look like either some support with your hormone fluctuations or using an anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication to help you make it through this stage). If it feels like it is too much to handle or you just can’t shake these feelings, then I encourage you to seek help from your doctor because it doesn’t need to be this hard.

Finally, I want to be clear that you should not feel guilty about your anger. There are many legitimate reasons, both internal and external, that can lead to such feelings, But I hope that some of these suggestions will help you to discover what the source might be for you and then to manage these powerful emotions so that you can feel more at peace with yourself. You deserve it!

HEY JESSICA: This is beyond embarrassing, but could you please talk about why I’m having trouble holding my pee? For the most part, I can make it to the bathroom OK, but sometimes, when I laugh, cough, or workout really hard, I’ll feel a little pee leak out. And even worse, occasionally, I’ll be just going along with my day when all of a sudden I have to pee SO BAD and find myself rushing to the bathroom to try to avoid an accident (there have even been times when I didn’t make it before some leaked out). I know this is a thing that some women experience later in life, but does this mean that I have to start wearing Depends like my grandma did? I’m way too young for that! ~Holding It In

DEAR HOLDING IT IN: Thank you for being brave enough to ask this question, as I am sure many other women are struggling with this issue as well. To help you to manage this difficulty, which can be incredibly disruptive and embarrassing, I first want to explain why this is likely happening and then offer up some ideas of things to try.

Let’s first start with a mini anatomy lesson. A woman’s pelvic region is made up of bones, connective tissues, and muscles which all work together to support (and hold inside) the pelvic and reproductive organs that are found in the pelvic cavity. Essentially, you have the tailbone at the back, the pubic bone at the front, and the ischial tuberosities on either side and these four bones are connected together by a “hammock” of connective tissues and muscles which form what is called the Pelvic Floor. The Pelvic Floor is important not only for providing support for the pelvic organs, but it also helps stabilize the trunk, regulate intra-abdominal pressure (i.e., sneezing, coughing, laughing, lifting, etc.), and constrict the vagina, the anal canal, and the urethra – all of which have an impact on being able to control your pee. Now, these muscles and tissues, like all muscles and tissues in our body, are influenced by aging and by usage. So, if they weaken, they aren’t as able to support you as you try to hold in your pee.

In addition, there is the fun fact that our bladders have a good number of estrogen receptors, which means that as our estrogen levels fluctuate (and drop) during menopause, a number of things can happen: the structural support of the urethra and bladder can weaken, the contractions of the muscle that controls the flow of urine can decrease, and the urethral tissues can thin out, which leads to less support and an increase chance of leakage. Fun.

So, what do you do? Well, the first thing is to take a deep breath and know you are not alone and have nothing to be embarrassed about (19% of women ages 40-45 report having such issues and by the time we get to post-menopause that rate goes up to 84%!). Then, it’s time to assess. If this is something that is happening a lot and is really getting in the way of you living your life, I would recommend talking to your OB/GYN or a pelvic health physiotherapist to investigate what treatments might be best for you (e.g., pelvic floor rehabilitation, vaginal estrogens, systemic hormone therapies, etc.). If it has only happened a few times, then you might also be able to work on reconnecting with and strengthening your pelvic floor.

One simple exercise you can start with is called Connection Breath. Sit on a hard chair or bench and spread out your glutes so that you can feel yourself sitting on your sitz bones. As you inhale, imagine you are inflating your pelvic floor, pushing those sitz bones apart with air (this should feel like a “letting go” rather than a “bearing down”). Then, on the exhale, think about engaging the pelvic floor muscles, lifting them up towards your head (note: only pull up about 30% of a full contraction – so you are gently pulling up rather than clenching tight). If this is hard to do, then imagine that your pelvic floor is shaped like a diamond and as you exhale you are pulling the four points of the diamond in toward the center. Cycle through this action, releasing everything with your inhale and then pulling up with your exhale for about 10 breaths. Doing this will help you to become more attuned to your pelvic floor and will allow you to then work on strengthening those muscles over time.

I also want to encourage you to think about when these leaks are happening. Is it when you’ve been holding your pee and just not listening to your body for a while, when you are exerting yourself (such as lifting weights), when you are super tired, etc. If there are patterns, then you can also consider making some adjustments such as tweaking your workout routine, making sure to listen to early cues that you need to use the bathroom, etc.

Finally, I just want to reiterate that this is nothing to be ashamed of and is definitely something to talk to your doctor about because there are a number of solutions. Many of my friends have said that their pelvic floor physiotherapists changed their lives and others have felt a lot of relief from hormonal support. Bottom line, this does not need to become a source of stress in your already busy life. 

HEY JESSICA: I think my kid is smoking pot. A couple of times now I have smelled it both on his clothes and in his room. When I ask him about it, he says it’s from hanging out with other kids and that he’s not doing it himself, but I find that hard to believe. I know experimentation is normal, but I worry about his safety, his brain development, and what this might lead to further down the line. How can I get him to tell me the truth so that I can keep him safe?  ~Panicking Mom

DEAR PANICKING MOM: I’m not gonna lie, kids smoking pot these days is definitely something that causes me to worry, too. But what I have told myself, and what I am going to tell you now, is that the best thing that we can do, as parents, is to stay calm and collected as we try to engage with our kids about drugs.

When it comes to the more challenging conversations that we parents need to have with our kids (i.e., sex, porn, drugs, alcohol, etc.), I believe that there are three things that are super important: honesty, creating a safe space, and realistic advice and planning. Honesty is important for two reasons: (1) if we want our kids to be honest with us, it only seems fair that we should model the behavior we want and be honest with them; and (2) just like we know when they aren’t being fully truthful, they also can tell when we aren’t being straightforward, which will inevitably reduce our credibility. As for creating a safe space, we all want our kids to feel like they are safe with us, of course. This piece is essential because it means that if/when something goes wrong, they know they can come to us. And in terms of offering realistic advice and planning, this will help them to (hopefully) make safer decisions should they move forward with something you might wish they wouldn’t.

So, then the question becomes, how do we create this calm, safe, honest space with our kids when it comes to talking about pot? First, I think we need to be honest with them about our own usage. I’m not saying that you need to go into great detail, but if you tried pot in high school or college or later, I think there is a lot of power in being honest about that because it shows that you understand the curiosity they may be feeling and also provides a space for you to talk about your own decision-making process (which may have been sound or may have been problematic – both of which have life lesson value for your kids). I, for instance, did experiment with weed when I was in high school and have told my kids that was the case, while also telling them why I wish I had waited. On the other hand, if you’ve never used marijuana, I think there is value in sharing your decision-making process there as well. The trick here is to do it without moralizing or judging those that have tried it, because if your kid is curious and/or has already tried it, hearing judgment from you might make it harder for them to be honest with you, which is your ultimate end goal.

Once we’ve created this honest, safe space for them, then the next piece is to be pretty direct about our concerns. With my kids, for instance, I have shared that the weed now seems much scarier to me than what I experimented with when I was a teenager – namely, it is much stronger, which means that it can impact their developing brains in more serious ways. Furthermore, if they buy it off the street (which teenagers are much more likely to do, even in states where marijuana is legal), the drugs it could be laced with nowadays are much more dangerous than anything I faced way back then. I have found that by being honest about my own usage and then direct about my concerns, my kids respect the concerns I am sharing more than if I just said, “don’t do drugs!”

Now, if I’ve made you uncomfortable thus far, this last piece may really make you squirm, but I am going to share it because I think it is really important and that’s the realistic advice and planning piece. As I mentioned above, I have been clear with my kids that while I understand the curiosity they may be feeling about pot, given its potency and the risk of it being laced, I would really prefer for them to wait. But I also felt it was important to be realistic about the fact that they might not wait and so we have talked a number of times about ways to experiment safely. For me, there are four components to that: only from a dispensary, only flower, only in a safe place, and we are always on call. I have beseeched them to only consider items that they know for a fact came directly from a dispensary. This will mean that it is not laced with Fentanyl or any other scary drugs. I have also explained that smoking flower would be easier on their brain chemistry than vaping or edibles because the concentration in those is so much higher (e.g., super strong flower can be about 30% THC, whereas a vaping cartridge can be as high as 90% – that is a big difference for a developing brain or any brain!). If they are going to experiment, I want to make sure that they are in a location where they are safe and where no one will need to drive for a very long time. And, finally, I have told them, over and over again, that if they are ever in a situation where they feel unsafe or out of their depth, they can call us for help with the promise that they will not get in trouble.

So, with your son, I would encourage you to find a quiet, low-key time when you can have an honest conversation about all of this with him (I find car rides or walks are great for these sorts of talks). Let him know that your top priority is not to drag some truth out of him, but rather to build trust and open communication so that moving forward he knows you are there for him, whenever he is ready. 

HEY JESSICA: I’ve been washing my face with gentle cleansers and using an organic SPF moisturizer available in Target every morning for decades. That’s it. I feel like there’s more I should be doing to protect what remains of the skin tone in my face, but I don’t want to spend a fortune, and I’m not willing to spend more than 5 minutes on my face routine, max. If I am willing to buy one more product, what should it be? Oh, and I’ve got very sensitive skin and any kind of perfume makes my eyes water all day long. Any advice for me? ~Not As Young As I Used To Be

DEAR NOT AS YOUNG AS I USED TO BE: First, I want to give a disclaimer that I am not a dermatologist, so my answer is based solely on the deep dive I did on this issue for myself about a year ago and what has worked for me. Like you, I have no interest in spending a lot of time on a skincare routine and I have quite sensitive skin, so I wanted simple solutions that wouldn’t break the bank – or my face! Here’s what I learned.

It sounds like your morning routine is solid. From everything I read, in the morning you want to wash your face with a gentle cleanser and then apply an SPF moisturizer.

You didn’t mention whether you wash and moisturize your face again in the evening or not. If you don’t, then I think the first step would be to add that in. I would recommend washing your face with the same gentle cleanser you use in the morning and then using a night cream rather than your SPF moisturizer. The reason for using a night cream is that they tend to be more deeply moisturizing and help to repair damage. When I was doing my research, one of the night creams that people really seemed to like was CeraVe’s, which is fragrance free and good for sensitive skin. Because I try to buy products that have not been tested on animals, I chose to go with a night cream that, while not perfumed, does include botanicals that have a scent, so that might not work for you. But, if you want to experiment, the one I use is Weleda’s Rejuvenating Night Cream. It has worked well for me!

If you do already have a night cream that you like and want to add a next step, then I would suggest trying out a retinoid. Retinoids are compounds that come from Vitamin A and studies have consistently shown that they stimulate collagen and cell turnover (which helps to smooth out wrinkles) and reverse some UV damage. If you want to go big, then you can get a prescription-strength version from your dermatologist, but the over-the-counter versions, which are less concentrated, can work too.

Before you try retinol, there are some things you should know:

• When you first start using it, it can be quite irritating (it was for me), so rather than using it nightly, you will want to start with once a week and then, once your skin adjusts, slowly increase your usage over a few weeks. Personally, I have found that my skin does best when I use it 2-3 times a week –  more than that and my under-eye area starts to get irritated, even though I don’t apply it there. So, start slow.
• You only need to use a very small amount. The standard recommendation is a pea-size dollop. I use a tiny bit less than that.
• The one I use says that you need to let it sit on your face, untouched, for 10 minutes before you put your moisturizer on. I believe this is common. Since, like you, I don’t want to spend a lot of time on my skincare, I usually put it on, set a timer, and go off and do other parts of my bedtime routine, and then come back to put my lotion on.
• It makes your skin more sensitive to sun, so you want to make sure you are using an SPF moisturizer in the mornings!
• Experts say that it takes a few months to work, so just know that you will have to stick with it for a while. I found this to be true for me.
• Do not use retinols if you are pregnant or breastfeeding.

If all of that sounds scary, then, in addition to the night cream, my other recommendation would be to try a quartz roller. In all honesty, I don’t know if it makes a lasting difference, but right after I roll my face (which takes all of 1 minute) my fine lines seem less visible. And the really nice part is that it feels like a mini spa treatment every day. I really love my roller.

I hope this helps! And, if other people have tips or ideas on this, please hit reply and share them with me! If I get some consistent and solid suggestions, I’ll share them in a follow-up! 

HEY JESSICA: A few months ago, I decided to do some research into how I should change my diet now that I am in perimenopause. From what I’ve read, the big recommendations seem to be to eat a TON of protein every day, along with increasing fiber, still getting enough fruits and vegetables, making sure I’m eating healthy fats, focusing on hydration, and the list goes on and on. I’ve been trying my best, but to be totally honest, I can’t figure out how to get it all in and am starting to feel not only like a failure, but also like if I don’t get this right my later years are going to be miserable. So how do I get all the nutrients I need without losing my mind?  ~Trying To Be Healthy

DEAR TRYING TO BE HEALTHY: When I was pregnant with my first child, I read What to Expect When You Are Expecting from cover to cover. And of all of the advice in that book, the part that was most challenging for me was the section on what you should eat when you’re pregnant. I remember reading the recommendations and feeling like if I didn’t eat everything they were suggesting in the quantities that they recommended, my baby was not going to develop properly in utero and that I would be setting him up for all kinds of problems later in life. For two or three weeks, I was in a total panic and many of the disordered eating patterns I had worked for so many years to overcome came back.

Then, one day, I was talking with a good friend about my worries and she looked at me and said, with great love, “the stress you are feeling about this is going to be worse for you and your baby than not having the perfect diet. As long as you eat relatively healthy, everything will be fine.” I am not a doctor, so I have no idea whether what she was saying was medically true, but what it did was give me permission to focus on doing my best to eat a balanced, healthy diet rather than obsess over checking off every single nutritional box the book recommended. The relief was huge. Oh, and my baby turned out just fine!

Why did I tell that story? Because I want to reassure you in a similar sort of way. Now, it is true that as we get older our nutritional needs change and it is worthwhile to try to integrate some changes that will do you good, but it is also important that you enjoy your food and feel at peace with your diet. So, I want to highlight some of the changes to think about, but then also offer a re-frame that might be helpful.

Before I go any further, I want to be clear: I am not prescribing a diet here. I am only sharing general recommendations. Furthermore, if you are going to make any major changes, I would suggest talking to your doctor or a nutritionist to figure out what is best for you.

Ok. So here is a brief overview of what you might want to be thinking about when it comes to your diet.

Protein: Protein is important at our age for brain health, muscle health, bone health, and energy. Ideally, we should be getting .54-.9 grams of protein per pound of bodyweight per day. So, for a woman who weighs 165 pounds, that would be between 90-150 grams per day. But what does that even mean? Well, one serving of protein is roughly equal to the size and thickness of your palm and you should be getting 3-6 servings per day (so 1-2 servings per meal). Great options for lean proteins include poultry, seafood, eggs, low-fat dairy, soy products (tofu, edamame, etc.), and beans and legumes. And, if you are comfortable with it, another option can be to use protein powder in smoothies, pancakes, etc.

Healthy Fats: These are important because they play a big role in inflammation, how well our nervous system sends our signals, and our cell membrane structure. Here you want to be getting about 5-6 servings per day (so, again 1-2 servings per meal) and a serving size is about the size of your thumb. Options here include: nuts, cold-pressed oils, olives, oily fish (like salmon), avocados, egg yolks, and coconut.

Fruits & Vegetables: We all know that fruits and veggies are really important for our overall health, but at our age it is important to note that they reduce the risk of many chronic diseases and also are a good source of fiber. A serving of vegetables is about equal to the size of your fist and a serving of fruit is roughly the amount that you can fit into your palm. In total, you want to aim for at least 5 servings of fruits and veggies each day.

Fiber: Here you’re aiming for 25-28 grams if you are under 50 and 22 grams if you are over 50 (this isn’t because women actually need less as they age, it’s because usually our caloric intake decreases and fiber needs are actually calculated as a ratio 14 grams per 1,000 kilocalories/day). Fiber is important because it helps to maintain a healthy gut microbiome (which helps with hormone production, inflammation, mood, and so much more), reduces risk of chronic disease, helps to shed bad cholesterol, and helps you to poop (which sometimes becomes harder as we age). Fiber can be found in whole grains, fruits and vegetables, and beans and legumes.

Ok. So, this is when some people (me included!) might start to freak out and feel like there is no way they can pack it all in. I mean, 5 palms’ worth of protein, plus 5 fists of fruits and veggies, plus 6 thumbs of healthy fats, plus lots of whole grains feels completely overwhelming. But instead, I want to offer two re-frames.

One is that there is A LOT of overlap in the foods that offer us these nutrients. Eggs, for example, can provide us with protein and healthy fats. Avocados help us with healthy fats, fruits and vegetables, AND fiber. Nuts are on the list for healthy fats, but they also give us some protein and fiber. And ALL fruits and veggies give us at least some fiber. So, while it may feel like you need to pack everything in all the time, there are lots of foods that can offer many benefits.

The second re-frame is one that I have talked about for years on The Scramble and that is that if we just focus on making our own food rather than depending on take-out or store-bought meals, we are already way ahead of the game. So, just focus as best you can on adding in the healthier options when possible, enjoying those homemade meals, and learning to listen to and trust our body because it has a lot to tell you about what is and isn’t working. 

But more than anything, Trying To Be Healthy, remember that while it is important to nourish our bodies, it is also important to be happy. So, please don’t lose sight of enjoying your food because a long life should also be a happy life.

I hope this helps to take away some of the overwhelm and stress you are feeling and reminds you that if you are paying attention, you are already winning. You’ve got this! 

HEY JESSICA: I have my annual physical scheduled for a few weeks from now and while I don’t think my perimenopausal symptoms are too terrible, I am aware that my body is changing, so I feel like I should talk to her about it, but don’t really know what to focus on since I’m not struggling thus far. Are there key things I should make sure to mention to her or should I just wait until symptoms are making me miserable?  ~Feeling Lost

DEAR FEELING LOST: First, I want to commend you on being proactive about this. Doctors tend to be so busy that it doesn’t always occur to them to ask about things that you aren’t bringing up as specific complaints—so thinking about engaging with your doctor on these issues is awesome! Second, even if your symptoms aren’t “too terrible,” it does sound like you are starting to experience symptoms and that is important information for your doctor to have. And, who knows, there may even be things your doctor can recommend that might help with whatever you are experiencing, so discussing those symptoms with her would be a good idea.

Next, I thought it might be helpful to share a list of some common perimenopausal symptoms that you should keep in mind as you move forward. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it might help you to know what sorts of things you might want to bring up with your doctor. Common perimenopausal symptoms include:

• Irregular periods (they can come irregularly, but can also be lighter or heavier in flow or shorter or longer in duration)
• Increased cramping
• Breast tenderness
• Vaginal dryness
• Increased need to pee
• Pain/discomfort during sex
• Decreased sexual desire
• Hot flashes
• Night sweats
• Difficulty sleeping
• Brain fog
• Trouble with memory
• Mood changes (increased anxiety or depression, increased anger/frustration)

In terms of how to approach the conversation with your doctor, I think I would start by just noting that now that you are entering the time of life when perimenopause happens, you thought it would be helpful to have a conversation about what to expect. I would then share whatever symptoms you have been experiencing, even if mild. At the very least, this will give your doctor a baseline to work from should your symptoms intensify.

After that, I think I would ask if there are things that your doctor thinks you should look out for, especially if your medical history might make certain symptoms more of an issue. For example, if you have experienced depression or anxiety in the past, mood changes during this transitional time might be something to keep a closer eye on.

Then, I’d ask about any symptoms that you know were an issue for your female family members (if they ever shared them with you). For instance, if osteoporosis or heart problems run in your family, this would be a good thing for your doctor to know so that they can begin to proactively screen you for such issues.

More than anything, though, I think your main goal should be to get the conversation started. Perimenopause is a long process (7-10 years) during which time a lot will change, so establishing a baseline and showing that this is a priority for you is a great place to start!

HEY JESSICA: I’m worried about my marriage. I feel like we are good partners in that we parent well together and get the important life things done, thanks to each of us taking responsibility for certain tasks, but our lives are so busy and stressful that by the end of the day and on the weekends, we are both so tired that there is no energy left for connecting with one another. My husband is a good guy, a great dad, and is very supportive, but it has begun to feel like we are just good roommates or friends. Is this just what happens to marriages over time or are we doing something wrong? ~So Close, And Yet So Far Away

DEAR SO CLOSE:

OK, so first I want to say that I feel you on this one. Big time. And not only that, but I think A LOT of the readers of this column will feel you on this. Why? Because us parents are completely and utterly tapped out. I mean, the feelings of stress and overwhelm that have likely led to you and your husband being in this situation are so common that last month the Surgeon General issued an advisory on the mental health of parents! In fact, in that advisory he noted that 41% (41%!!) of parents say that “they are so stressed most days they can’t function.” So, unless there is more to the story you aren’t sharing, I think you can blame the stress here rather than the idea that you did something wrong or that your love is somehow fading.

But that doesn’t mean that you should just accept the reality you are living in! It sounds like you would like to change the dynamic that has formed, so the first thing I would recommend, if you haven’t already, is to talk with your husband about what you are feeling. It is important here that you frame the conversation in a way that doesn’t assign blame, but rather notes a pattern that has formed and also that it seems to be a common issue for many couples. It could be by saying something like, “I’ve realized recently that our lives have gotten so busy that we barely have time to connect anymore and I really miss you. Have you been noticing this, too?” Or, “Did you hear about the advisory that the Surgeon General put out about how stressed parents are? This made me think about our stress and how we’re so busy that we don’t really get to connect anymore. Have you noticed that, too?”

Now, it may be that your husband immediately agrees and you two can be off and running on finding a solution (ideas about that in a second), but it could also be that he hasn’t noticed and is actually taken aback. If this is the case, I encourage you not to take it personally. His not noticing is not an expression of him not valuing you, it is likely an expression of how overburdened he is. Similarly, he may get defensive and feel like you are criticizing him. If that happens, then I would encourage you to be very clear that you aren’t blaming him but are rather noting a pattern that has naturally developed as you both try your best to balance all of the different obligations in life. Then, express that you would love to find solutions together.

So, what might those solutions be in this life stage of overwhelm? If all you feel like you have to give right now is an hour or two, then maybe it’s as simple as scheduling a date. If you can afford it (and need one), find an evening soon when you can hire a sitter and go out for a meal and just talk without the interruption of kids. And if a nighttime date is hard, then playing hooky in the middle of the day while kids are at school is also a great option. Meet up for lunch, go to a museum or a movie in the middle of the day, go for a hike, or just find another way to relax and have fun together.

If, on the other hand, you feel like one date isn’t enough to rebuild that connection, then it might be worthwhile to do one (or more) of the following:

• Find a time to sit down together and do the following activity: take a few minutes to sit quietly and either think about or write down what it is that made each of you fall in love with your partner in the first place. What was it that drew you to one another? Then, after you have each thought about it, face one another and share what you came up with. It is amazing how powerful both remembering the things that attracted you to your partner and hearing the things that attracted them to you can be. It can transport you back to memories of really fun, simpler times and give you a little bit of that spark again. You can do this same kind of exercise with other prompts such as, what does your partner do that you are grateful for, what do you love about your partner now, and what are three physical traits that you love about your partner. All of these can both fill you with appreciation and feel appreciated in ways that are so easy to forget when we are busy.
• Schedule a weekly or monthly date. It could be a night out, a morning walk, or even an evening where the kids go to bed and you two cuddle up on the couch and watch a show that is just for you two. One couple I know goes to brunch together every Sunday while their kids are at Sunday school. The point is to carve out a regular time that is just for you.
• Make a point of being more physically affectionate with one another, without the expectation of sex. This may sound silly, but once we become parents it can be really easy to be so focused on providing physical affection and attention to our kids that we forget about one another. But both giving and receiving hugs, back rubs, even just passing squeezes as we walk by can make us feel seen and connected.

So, hang in there, So Close. You aren’t alone. And while it may take a little time to rebuild the connection fully and find a way to regularly connect again, there is a reason the two of you got together in the first place and I have faith that together you can work toward finding that spark again.

HEY JESSICA: I have a ritual that I love, but I am wondering if it is messing with me now that I am in perimenopause. Each night, after everything is done and I am finally on my way up to bed, I have a handful of either jelly beans or chocolate. It’s not a huge amount, but it definitely means that I am (1) eating sugar and (2) eating before bed, which I’ve heard can be a problem. Could this be messing up my sleep? Is this a habit I need to break? Or, another way to put it, does it really matter what time I stop eating at night? ~Don’t Take My Chocolate!

DEAR DON’T TAKE MY CHOCOLATE:

I am going to do my best to answer your question, but I’ve gotta be honest, there is A LOT of conflicting information out there on this one, so bear with me… Let’s start with what is pretty clear: ideally, any full meal that you are going to eat should be eaten two hours or more before bedtime. This is for a few reasons: (1) research shows that eating a full meal less than an hour before bed can make it harder to fall asleep; (2) research also shows that eating less than two hours before bed can cause you to wake up in the middle of the night; and (3) eating too close to bedtime has been shown to increase the risk of experiencing heartburn.

In addition, there are certain foods that have been shown to mess with sleep when eaten too close to bedtime. They include foods with caffeine (which, sadly, includes chocolate), alcohol, and foods high in fat, spiciness, or acidity (because they can trigger acid reflux/heartburn).

On the other hand, though, having certain small snacks close to bedtime has been shown to help with certain issues. If you struggle with blood sugar levels, your doctor may recommend a small carb-heavy snack before bed (definitely talk to your doctor first if you have blood sugar issues!). If falling asleep is tricky for you, then research shows that a snack that contains hormones that helps with sleep such as tryptophan, melatonin, or serotonin, may be helpful (e.g., nuts, milk). And third, if you find that you are hungry (and actually hungry, not just bored or tired), then having a small snack before bed may help you to fall asleep rather than focusing on your hunger cues.

So, that’s what the experts say. Now, here is what I am going to say… Are you noticing problems with your sleep or experiencing indigestion? If not, I wouldn’t worry about having a small treat right before bed. It likely isn’t the thing that is going to make or break any other health or wellness goals you have, and there is a lot of value in having moments in your day that bring you joy! If you are noticing issues with your sleep or acid reflux, then testing some things out might be worthwhile.

First, I’d pay attention to whether the issue you are trying to remedy is impacted by your choice of jelly beans or chocolate chips. If, for instance, you notice that when you eat the chocolate, you have more trouble with sleep, but that that doesn’t happen when you have jelly beans, then perhaps that small amount of caffeine is impacting you and would be worth avoiding. If you notice that you are impacted by both jelly beans and chocolate chips, then you’ll need to decide which is more important to you (although, if you are experiencing bad indigestion on a nightly basis, I would both recommend talking to your doctor and would argue that the treat is doing more damage to your esophagus than is worthwhile).

If you do end up cutting it out but are really missing the ritual, then I’d ask yourself what is it about the ritual that means so much to you? Is it doing something nice for yourself after the entire day is done? I know a lot of women who see a treat that is just for them at the end of the day to be their one moment that they get to themselves. That has a lot of value! So, if this resonates, then I would consider either replacing the sweet treat with some other self-care ritual that is meaningful to you or finding another time in the day when you could enjoy the sweet treat as quiet “me time.”

In the end, I think it comes down to this: food serves many purposes in our lives. It nourishes us, it gives us energy, but it also provides pleasure, joy, and connection with others. So, if the good outweighs the bad and really isn’t causing any physical damage, then I promise, I won’t be coming for your late-night chocolate. 

HEY JESSICA: I’m in an awkward spot and I’d love to know what you think. I have a friend who is incredibly body conscious. She talks all the time about how her body isn’t what she wants it to be and has tried pretty much every diet under the sun. As someone who has my own body issues, it makes me uncomfortable, but I have learned to just let her say what she needs to say and not let it get to me. But there’s one part of her obsession with thinness that I really struggle with and that’s how she talks about and responds to her tween daughter’s weight. She thinks that her daughter is fat and for years has been trying to get her to lose weight. Recently, she told me that she found candy wrappers in her daughter’s room and is livid. I’ve tried to gently remind her that her daughter is still growing and to point out all the ways that she is an awesome kid, but my friend is just obsessed. I know it would ruin our friendship if I were more direct, but it is killing me to watch this wonderful kid have to deal with all of this negativity. Is there any way that I could intervene in this tricky situation that would actually be helpful?  ~A Concerned Friend

DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND:

Oof. That sounds like a really painful and difficult situation, especially since it sounds like it strikes deep chords within you as well. The truth of the matter is that, even in the midst of the body positivity movement, our culture still values thinness and breaking out of that mindset can be incredibly challenging, as it sounds to be for your friend. As a general rule, I would tend to agree with you that if you want to preserve the friendship, stepping in to lecture her on her parenting is not a good idea (unless, of course, a child is in real physical or emotional danger – and there would definitely be people who would argue that this girl may be in emotional danger, but if I am reading your question correctly you don’t quite think it has reached that point).

But that doesn’t mean that you are powerless! It sounds as if you really like and care for this kid, which means that there is an opportunity for connecting directly with her. So, rather than focusing on what the mom is doing, I’d focus on becoming a resource for the girl. If you already have a close relationship with her, then you are well on your way, but if you are more of just a grownup presence, now might be the time to work on building that relationship a bit more.

Assuming you aren’t already close with her, I would start by just being a friendly regular presence in her life. When you see her, make sure to say hi, show you are happy to see her, and try to have more conversations. Ask her about the things she’s passionate about and really engage around them (it can be as simple as sharing memes you’d think she’d like or asking her about a TV show you know she loves). Another quick way to a kid’s heart is to compliment them on their style choices – notice her outfits or shoes or hairstyle. Really SEE her and help her to see that she is seen. An example of this from when I was a kid: I’ll never forget how for my 13th birthday my uncle’s girlfriend at the time gave me a copy of Ms. magazine with a card explaining that now that I had become a teenager, I should learn about feminism and how strong women are. It was a small gesture but made me feel so grownup and cool.

Once you’ve established that connection (or if you already have), then the next step is to serve as an alternate voice in her life. Be a voice of positivity for her – not just on body size but on everything. Tell her she is beautiful. Tell her she is smart, strong, fierce, funny, interesting, or whatever other wonderful things she is. In short, find ways to praise features that you love about her (both physical and non) – just make sure you are being genuine because kids can sense B.S. from a mile away. Show that you see her for her whole, wonderful self.

Another thing you can do, once you have won her trust and respect as a badass woman in her life, is to offer a different perspective on bodies and beauty. Find ways that don’t seem contrived to mention how beautiful you think certain bigger-bodied women are, either directly to her or in larger conversations with groups that she is a part of. Talk about women that you think are badasses in other ways – showing that not everything is about size or appearance. In short, find ways to let it be known that there are other perspectives on the value of thinness.

There is a lot of value in being the “other grownup” in a kid’s life. These grownups were incredibly important to me as a kid, a teen, and a young adult, and it is a role I now cherish in the lives of some of my friend’s kids and with my nephews. If you can be one of those “other grownups” for her, if you can offer a different perspective, it won’t undo all the damage that may happen at home. But offering a safe haven, an alternate emotional landing place, a different perspective is a gift that you can give and one that will hopefully stick with her in the years to come. 

HEY JESSICA: I’m really struggling with exercise. I have never been an athlete, but in my 20s and early 30s (before kids), I was pretty good about getting regular exercise, even if I didn’t love it. I would run one or two times a week and then had a kickboxing class that I really loved. I’d also occasionally do yoga. But then I had kids and there just wasn’t time to fit in exercise on top of all my other commitments at work and at home. Now my kids are older and more independent and I feel like I have a bit more time to exercise, but I don’t even know where to start, especially if my time is still limited. I tried going for a run and it felt terrible. I feel like my old kickboxing class would be way too hard for me now. And I’m so inflexible at this point that I feel like yoga would be a waste. I’ve also heard that strength training is super important at this age, but the idea of going to a gym and lifting weights is super intimidating. Can you shed light on what kinds of exercise are actually important and if you have ideas for how to make that happen without feeling like a fool, I would really love to hear about them.  ~Wishing I Was Fit and Fabulous

DEAR FIT & FABULOUS:

I totally get it! Not only can it feel pretty intimidating to (re)start exercising, but trying to figure out what your top priorities should be when you have limited time can be super overwhelming and confusing. So, first I’m going to share some of what I have learned about what kinds of exercise are most important for women in their 40s and 50s and then I want to share some ideas not only on how to feel less intimidated, but also how to make exercise work in your life.

Before I go any further, though, it’s important for me to note that if you have any underlying medical conditions that might mean that exercise is riskier, please talk to your doctor before starting any sort of exercise program.

So, what kinds of exercise do you need to be getting in midlife? First of all, any exercise that works for you is good exercise. Getting moving is more important than what kind of movement or exercise you do. That said, the general recommendation is 150 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity (brisk walking, moderate cycling, swimming, dancing, etc.) and at least two strength training sessions a week.

So now that I have you likely in a complete panic because how the HELL are you supposed to fit two and a half hours of cardio and two strength training sessions into your week, take a deep breath. This is the recommendation; it does not need to be where you start or even where you end up. There are lots of ways to make this work.

Ok. So how do we make this not intimidating and actually doable? First, I would pick a cardio activity that you love and start with once a week. It could be accepting and embracing your new, slower pace for running (it will get faster over time), going for faster-paced walks with a friend (or alone!), a fun dance or Zumba class, cycling, or swimming laps at a local gym. The point is to pick something you enjoy so you can stick with it. Then, to boost your cardio time, add more movement in other ways such as parking your car further away in parking lots, taking stairs instead of elevators, making some work meetings become walk-and-talks, walking the dog, going for a family bike ride on the weekend, enjoying a Friday night dance party at home… you get the idea.

In terms of strength training, which tends to be the part that is often the most intimidating for people, this is where it is all about finding a space that works for you. If you feel confident in your form when lifting weights, then maybe you get some 5-, 8-, or 10-pound weights and start doing YouTube videos at home (there are great ones out there that are only 20 minutes long, just make sure you do a proper warmup before starting!). If you feel like you need a trainer to get you started, ask around or maybe post on a local listserv to get recommendations! If you can’t afford a trainer, but need support and structure, then look for a class at a local gym or rec center. These classes can be a great place to start because they are usually very welcoming and there will be people at all different levels. If you want the gym experience, ask around and see where women your age tend to go as that will give you a good clue about where you might feel more comfortable. If body weight exercise is more your speed, favorite local Pilates studios, rec center classes, and YouTube are all good options. And, as with the cardio, if you can’t fit two sessions in a week, maybe you can get one in and that is a great place to start!

In the end, I would encourage you not to aim for perfection, but to aim for doable, enjoyable, and manageable. Then, as you gain confidence, hopefully you can add more in. You’ve got this!

HEY JESSICA: I like to think that I am pretty good at my job. I am well-respected, I’ve served on lots of advisory groups and working groups, I receive awards and recognition almost every year, and I have been at my job for long enough now that I am one of the most senior people around. Recently, I threw my hat in the ring for a promotion that I know I am abundantly qualified for. I made it to the final round, but then they ended up picking someone who is less experienced and younger than me for the position and I am pissed! I’ve started looking for other jobs, but it is going to be hard for me to find something that pays me what I need to get paid and offers me the flexibility that I have with my current job. Plus, job hunting and then being the new person at a job all sounds incredibly exhausting. Is there a way to move past this anger and accept where I am or should I keep looking for jobs so I can get out as soon as possible? ~Stunned and Angry

DEAR STUNNED:

Well, that totally sucks. I am really sorry that this happened to you and can 100% understand why you’re angry – I would be, too! Deciding what to do in a situation like this is definitely tricky, but I do think that with a little bit of careful thought, you can find the answer that is right for you.

It sounds like the job you currently have offers you two things that are very valuable to you: a solid paycheck and flexibility. It also sounds like you are worried that another job would lead to more stress than you really want to deal with. On the other hand, though, you are clearly questioning whether your current job is one you want to stay in given their apparent lack of appreciation and recognition for all that you have done.

From my perspective, it seems like you have three options: (1) find a new job that is satisfying and exciting enough that you are willing to sacrifice either pay or flexibility (I would not sacrifice both because that may lead to serious unhappiness, especially at first); (2) look for a new job, but hold out for one that checks all of your boxes and, in the meantime, just keep your head down and do the work you need to get done without going above and beyond; or (3) decide that you are not willing to give up the paycheck and flexibility, but commit yourself to doing what needs to be done at work, while focusing the energy that you used to put towards those extra things at work onto something that is more meaningful and enriching for your life – in other words, make work less of a priority.

If you are someone who really defines yourself by the work that you do, then in all likelihood one of the first two options is going to be your best bet and your decision about which path to follow will likely be based on your level of desperation to get out.

Now, you had asked if there is a way to “move past the anger” and accept where you are and I think there is! What is required to make this possible is a shift in your focus. Rather than living to work, you are going to want to focus on working to live. What I mean by that is that you will need to shift your thinking so that you see your job as something that pays you a solid paycheck and allows you the flexibility to do things you love, rather than your main sense of purpose in the world.

I think that there are two pieces to making a shift like this truly successful. First, you need to commit yourself to doing your job well, but not to going above and beyond. This means that you get your work done, remain professional and courteous, but stop volunteering for the extra activities that take up time and energy such as new projects or committees. You get in and you get out. If you have always been a “team player” and/or if you are a “people pleaser,” this may be a hard shift to make, but remind yourself that you have good reasons for this and that you are prioritizing your well-being over the company’s. Second, you need to determine what you want to do with this newfound time and energy that will give you a sense of purpose and joy. Perhaps it is picking up a new hobby or restarting an old one, maybe it’s launching a side hustle that you enjoy, or maybe it’s as simple as making it a priority to leave on time every day so that you can get home to spend more time with your family. The point is to find something that will fill the hole that was left when you didn’t get the promotion.

These situations are never easy and it can take time to heal from the disappointment, so if you don’t know which direction you want to go in, that’s fine. The answer will come in time. So, more than anything I hope that you will allow yourself the grace and space to figure out next steps. If you trust your instincts, the answer will come.

HEY JESSICA: Can you please share your thoughts on how to stay focused when there is so much happening? Between work, aging parents, my eldest applying for college this year, and all that is happening in the world right now I feel like I am constantly being pulled in different directions and can’t get anything done. I hate how distracted I am and really want to get back to my usual, productive self. Help!  ~It’s All Too Much

DEAR IT’S ALL TOO MUCH:

It sounds to me like you’ve got a bad case of midlife! All kidding aside, being in the place you are right now is super uncomfortable, especially for people who usually pride themselves on their productivity, which it sounds like you do.

So, first, I want to start with a reality check. It sounds like you are at one of those pivotal midlife moments when all of the things are coming at you at once – work obligations, supporting your parents through big changes (which is also a role reversal that can be hard, both emotionally and practically), and getting your kid over the applying-for-colleges finish line (which is also both emotionally and practically hard to manage). You will not be able to do it all at once. Period. This doesn’t mean that you are a failure in any way, shape, or form, it just means that there are not enough hours in the day to get it all done, even if you had the energy to keep going non-stop. So, you are going to have to pick and choose what you can and can’t accomplish, and then be at peace with letting go of the pieces you can’t do right now.

But how do you pick and choose? To my mind, the best way to do this is to ask yourself a couple of questions:

1. Which of these things have active deadlines that must be met?
2. Are there people who can help by taking any of these items off my plate, or at least pitching in?
3. Which pieces are the most emotionally important for me to focus on?

Without knowing the details, here are some ways I would look at things in the situation you described. In terms of work, perhaps you pick 1-2 things that you are going to focus on doing well and you let the other things either slip or you ask a teammate if they can pitch in during this tricky phase of your life. Other solutions might be to ask for extensions; to come to terms with the reality that you aren’t going to do your best work right now, but you’ll bounce back once you’ve got the bandwidth again; or to hire someone to do some of the busy work you don’t have the time for (this is more for entrepreneurs).

As for your aging parents, this is also when calling for help or pushing back deadlines or expectations might be helpful. Do you have siblings or other family or community members who might be able to pick up the slack for you while you’re in this intense moment? Or, if you have the funds, would it be helpful to hire someone to help them out in the short term? Are there items on your aging-parent-to-do list that could be pushed back for a few months without bad repercussions? If your parents are still able to care for themselves, are there tasks you could ask them to work on now that could help make things easier later (for instance, cleaning out closets or getting documents in order)?

And then there is the kid applying to college piece. This is, in some ways, the task that has the most clear-cut urgency since there are established deadlines that are coming up quickly. And it’s also incredibly emotionally wrought – either because you are mourning the major change that is about to happen or because your relationship with your child is super tense at the moment (both the college application process and the leaving home separation are incredibly challenging moments in the parent-teen relationship), or both. But it’s also a piece where there are ways to simplify. Perhaps your kid is mature enough to manage most of the application stuff on their own and so the real task here is emotional management. If this is the case, then do your best to trust your kid and give them the space to do their thing as independently as possible, letting them know, of course, that you are willing and able to support them in whatever ways they need. Or, perhaps this is a place where the other parent (if the other parent is in the picture) could be the main helper and you take a supporting role. Finally, if you have the funds, you could hire someone to help with the application piece, so you can focus on the emotional side.

And then there is the state of the world… The reality here is that the state of the world is pretty much outside of your control (unless you are in a position of major power and influence, though even in those cases there are huge limitations), which means this one is serving as a distraction. So, here, I would recommend the following: (1) limiting how much media to take in—you want to stay informed, of course, about all that is happening, but reading every article, listening to every podcast, or watching every video about a major news story (from hurricanes and climate change to elections to wars) isn’t going to do anything but increase your stress and make it harder to concentrate; (2) if you feel that you need to take some sort of action, pick one topic to work on and one small action to take—if it feels uncomfortable not doing more, remember that once this intense season of life is over, you will have a lot more bandwidth to take the action or make the changes you dream of.

Finally, I think it’s important to note that in addition to all of the pulls on your time, if you are in midlife, you are also likely navigating some pretty intense hormonal shifts which (1) can make you more emotional and (2) have been shown to actually make it harder to concentrate. So be patient with yourself and know that this piece is temporary – the brain fog will lift!

The reality is that you will never be able to do it all, and that is OK. Instead, the goal is to use the wisdom you have accrued over the years to prioritize your activities at any given time and then trust yourself, so that you can set the guilt aside and focus on the pieces that matter most. 

HEY JESSICA: I live in the same town as my aging parents and recently their health has started to decline pretty rapidly. Because I’m the only child still nearby (my siblings live farther away), much of the coordination of care and monitoring has fallen to me. In theory, I am OK with this, but right now we are also going through a tough time with one of our kids and I am totally overwhelmed. I feel like I am failing at caring for my parents AND failing at caring for my kid, never mind my career and all other things in my life. I’ve told my siblings about everything that’s going on and how much I’m struggling, and while they are sympathetic and call to check on me often, neither of them has offered to help in any real way. I know that they both lead really busy lives, but I really need them to step up. How do I get the help I need without starting drama?  ~Sandwiched

DEAR SANDWICHED:

First, I want to commend you for recognizing that you need and want help! Even this step is a big one. I’m also glad to hear that your siblings are aware enough that they are calling to check in on you because that means they’re at least somewhat aware of the burden you are carrying right now.

Given your question, I am guessing that you are someone who is reluctant to ask for help. And as someone who suffers from this same affliction, I just want to say I see you and know how challenging this can be. But I do think there are ways that you can ask for help that will be both productive and, hopefully, drama-free.

As someone who doesn’t like to ask for help, I have found that there are two things that make it easier for me: having a specific ask in mind and doing it in writing. Let me walk you through each.

Before you even reach out to your siblings about them pitching in, I recommend that you sit down and make a list of the ways they could help. Without knowing their situations or yours in more detail, some possibilities off the top of my head include:

• coming in for a week or more to give you a break from the parent-care (and if there is a specific time when you’re going to need to focus on your kid, having one of your siblings come in for that time might be good);
• having them contribute financially so that a health worker or home aid can come in and pick up some of what you’ve been doing up until now;
• asking them to take on ordering groceries and other necessities so that you don’t have to do those errands as well;
• tasking them with being the one in touch with doctors (sometimes they can even join doctor’s appointments over the phone); and
• asking them to take on other tasks that can be done remotely, such as managing finances or researching different things (e.g., assisted living facilities, in-home help agencies, estate planning, etc.).

Once you have a list, you can either pick a specific thing you want to ask for or you can present them with a list and let them choose. Either way, though, you have now communicated what you actually need help on.

In terms of how you make the ask, if you feel like you can do it over the phone, then by all means do whatever feels most comfortable to you. I have found that for me, when I am doing something that is uncomfortable, especially when it is an emotional issue like this is, I do better at asking for help in writing because if I do it over the phone I will inevitably start crying, which isn’t bad, but just makes it harder to get the ask out. So, in situations like this, I will often either email or text the ask. First, I put it into context – “I am really overwhelmed by all that is happening, I could really use some help and thought that writing it out might be helpful” – and then I lay out what I need, either by asking for one specific thing or by laying out options.

Being both direct and concrete like this will hopefully help to take the emotions and potential for drama out of the situation. I know asking for help is hard, but I applaud you for taking this step and hope that you soon get the support you need and deserve. Hang in there!

HEY JESSICA: I have always been a casual pot smoker (like, at a party with friends every once in a while), but recently I decided to test out whether marijuana might help me to sleep better. It has been very helpful, but it also means that I am now smoking pot at home regularly. I have two tweens at home who I don’t think have been exposed to the smell of pot smoke yet (at least consciously), but I know that will be coming soon and I am getting worried about what happens when they put two and two together and realize that I smoke pot. My question for you is this: should I tell my kids that I smoke pot? If so, what age is the right age to tell them and how do I tell them without indicating that I think it is fine for them to smoke, too?   ~A Secret Stoner

DEAR SECRET STONER:

I LOVE this question! First, because it taps into a topic that I am super passionate about: open and honest communication with our kids. And second, because I am sure that there are a lot of other parents out there who have this same question! (I can just imagine parents hiding in their bathrooms, taking hits, and then blowing them out the window to try to minimize the smell – just like the good ol’ college days.)

I want to start by saying that I do think it is a good idea to tell your kids before they are exposed to pot themselves. To me, this is important for two reasons: (1) you don’t want them to figure it out themselves and then feel as if you were keeping a secret from them as this will hurt trust and will imply that should they ever experiment, they should keep it a secret, too; and (2) by being transparent with them, you have an opportunity to also build trust and a sense of open communication on substance use, which can pay off hugely later on.

In terms of when you tell them, I don’t think that there is a right or wrong age to share this information with your kids. Instead, I think it is about their maturity level and also how you share the information with them. Let’s talk about maturity level first. While I am not at all a fan of asking kids to keep secrets, due to social attitudes towards marijuana, I do think that ideally you don’t want your kids going to school or soccer practice and telling their friends that their mom smokes weed. So, I think it is wise to wait until your kids are at an age where they can both understand why you are smoking pot but also that this isn’t information to broadcast to the world.

So, now let’s dig into how you tell them. First, I would have it be a purposeful conversation, rather than something you do when they are distracted by other things. I would sit down with them and say something along the lines of, “now that you two are mature enough to understand, I wanted to share something with you.” I would then explain that you have been having trouble sleeping and that all of your normal tricks haven’t been working, so when you learned that some adults (important to say adults here – so that if one of them has sleep issues, they don’t think it is an option for them) have found that smoking a little bit of pot before bed can help them to sleep, you thought you would give it a try and that it has helped you a lot. I would share that you felt it was important to tell them this for a couple of reasons: (1) that you want to always have open and honest communication with each other; and (2) that you know that in the years to come, they will be exposed to pot and you want them to feel comfortable coming to talk to you about it, which meant that you thought it was important to start from a place of transparency on your end, too.

I think it is also important to note that, just like with alcohol, smoking pot is illegal for those under 21, but also that research has shown that smoking pot negatively impacts brain development in teenagers. And, so while you understand that at some point they may be tempted to try pot themselves, you would recommend they wait until their brains are more developed, or at least that they talk to you first so that you can help them to reduce risk (for more on this, check out my Ask Jessica column about talking to your kids about their pot smoking called ‘Teens & Pot’).

One final note, I think it is important that you prepare yourself emotionally for any reaction! They may be totally chill, they may be confused, they may be angry, or they may be sad or scared. No matter how they react, keep your composure and meet them where they are. It may turn out that they know a whole lot more about weed than you think, or they may not even know what it is – invite their questions or concerns and show that you are willing and open to talking about this as much as they want.

In the end, the goal here is to build trust and model the kind of transparency and honesty you hope to have with them throughout their tween and teen years. Good luck, mama! And sleep well!