A mother wonders whether her inexperienced teen will be ready for college and what she can do to prepare her daughter so that she is safe and well-equipped to navigate the sexual pressures that can be experienced in college or beyond. Jessica normalizes her daughter’s level of experience and then offers some ways to more fully prepare her for the real world.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
How Do I Know if My Inexperienced Teen Will Be Ready for College?
HEY JESSICA: My daughter, who is a senior in high school, has had zero relationship experience – no dating, no first kiss. I don’t think she’s ever even “talked” with someone and I’m not sure she’s ever had a real crush! I get that kids move at their own pace and in many ways I’m grateful that she hasn’t been super sexually active, but I am worried that without having any experience at all she will be completely overwhelmed when she gets to college. How do I know if my inexperienced teen will be ready for college? Is there anything I can do to prepare her for what she may encounter or is this just one of those maternal worries I have to live with? ~A Protective Mom
DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM:
As a parent, there are few things scarier than releasing your child out into the real world, whether that looks like college, an apprenticeship, a gap year, a job, or simply moving out of the house. And I don’t think there has ever been a parent who felt like their child was ready for whatever comes their way. For some parents, the fears are around drugs or alcohol, for others time management, for others safety, and the list goes on and on – we parents can always find something to worry about. And it sounds like, for you, the worry is on how your daughter will navigate romantic and/or sexual encounters in college.
The first step, I think, is to help you to get a bit more comfortable with your daughter’s level of experience. I would start by challenging you to think back to your own young adulthood. I would bet that you had friends or acquaintances who, like your daughter, left home without having had any sort of romantic or sexual experience. I know that I had a good number of them – both friends from high school and friends in college. And what’s more, I had friends who graduated from college without racking up any experience. So, even in normal times, this wouldn’t be that out of the ordinary. But then there is another factor: the pandemic. I recently heard a child psychologist talking on a podcast about how today’s older teenagers, who were in middle school during the early years of the pandemic, are roughly two years behind in hitting a lot of the social-emotional milestones that are sort of “expected” at this age. In light of this, I would venture to guess that there are more kids out there with your daughter’s level of experience than there were back in our day. In short, there is nothing abnormal about where your daughter is right now.
But then there is another layer to your question and that is that you are wondering if there are ways you can help to prepare her for the college experience. And my answer would be yes, but likely not in the ways that you think I am going to lay out for you.
The truth is, it has been so long since we were in that environment that we don’t really know what college is like these days. Yes, there will be drinking and sex and all kinds of other activities. However, social norms have changed hugely since we were in those dorm rooms, and our version of what to expect socially, romantically, or sexually would likely be off. With that said, instead of offering cautionary tales or advice based on your own lived experience, I would focus on two things.
First, I would share practical safety tips – eat before you go to the party, so you have food in your stomach to absorb the alcohol; pour your own drink and/or never accept an open drink from someone, unless you have seen it opened or poured from the tap right in front of you; don’t leave a drink unattended; come up with a buddy system so that no one is left alone; decide on a number of drinks you will have and don’t go over that; alternate alcoholic drinks with non-alcoholic drinks so that you can stay more aware; always trust your gut – if something or someone doesn’t feel safe, get out.
Then, and perhaps most importantly, I would work on encouraging and building up her confidence and sense of self, so that she can be clear with herself and others about her wants and desires. When she shows good judgment (on anything), point it out. When she expresses uncertainty about a situation or person, show that you trust and value her instincts. Remind her over and over again that she should never sacrifice her own sense of safety or comfort just to make someone else feel good. And work to build a relationship where she can feel comfortable talking to you about these things without you having big emotional reactions – she needs to know you are a safe haven.
As I said at the outset, sending our kids off into the wider world is scary and the reality is that there is no way to keep her safe forever. But if you equip her with the ability to trust and advocate for herself and make it clear that you will always be there for her, even if she encounters hardship, you will have greatly increased her chances of being able to navigate difficult situations and come out the other side stronger and wiser.