A maxed-out sandwich generation mom asks about how to ask siblings for help when both parents and kids are struggling. Jessica walks this tired mom through ways to ask siblings for help that are productive and won’t start unnecessary drama.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
How to Ask Siblings for Help During a Sandwich Generation Crisis
HEY JESSICA: I live in the same town as my aging parents and recently their health has started to decline pretty rapidly. Because I’m the only child still nearby (my siblings live farther away), much of the coordination of care and monitoring has fallen to me. In theory, I am OK with this, but right now we are also going through a tough time with one of our kids and I am totally overwhelmed. I feel like I am failing at caring for my parents AND failing at caring for my kid, never mind my career and all other things in my life. I’ve told my siblings about everything that’s going on and how much I’m struggling, and while they are sympathetic and call to check on me often, neither of them has offered to help in any real way. I know that they both lead really busy lives, but I really need them to step up. So can you tell me how to ask siblings for help without starting drama? ~Sandwiched
DEAR SANDWICHED:
First, I want to commend you for recognizing that you need and want help! Even this step is a big one. I’m also glad to hear that your siblings are aware enough that they are calling to check in on you because that means they’re at least somewhat aware of the burden you are carrying right now.
Given your question, I am guessing that you are someone who is reluctant to ask for help. And as someone who suffers from this same affliction, I just want to say I see you and know how challenging this can be. But I do think there are ways that you can ask siblings for help that will be both productive and, hopefully, drama-free.
As someone who doesn’t like to ask for help, I have found that there are two things that make it easier for me: having a specific ask in mind and doing it in writing. Let me walk you through each.
Before you even reach out to your siblings about them pitching in, I recommend that you sit down and make a list of the ways they could help. Without knowing their situations or yours in more detail, some possibilities off the top of my head include:
- coming in for a week or more to give you a break from the parent-care (and if there is a specific time when you’re going to need to focus on your kid, having one of your siblings come in for that time might be good);
- having them contribute financially so that a health worker or home aid can come in and pick up some of what you’ve been doing up until now;
- asking them to take on ordering groceries and other necessities so that you don’t have to do those errands as well;
- tasking them with being the one in touch with doctors (sometimes they can even join doctor’s appointments over the phone); and
- asking them to take on other tasks that can be done remotely, such as managing finances or researching different things (e.g., assisted living facilities, in-home help agencies, estate planning, etc.).
Once you have a list, you can either pick a specific thing you want to ask for or you can present them with a list and let them choose. Either way, though, you have now communicated what you actually need help on.
In terms of how you make the ask, if you feel like you can do it over the phone, then by all means do whatever feels most comfortable to you. I have found that for me, when I am doing something that is uncomfortable, especially when it is an emotional issue like this is, I do better at asking for help in writing because if I do it over the phone I will inevitably start crying, which isn’t bad, but just makes it harder to get the ask out. So, in situations like this, I will often either email or text the ask. First, I put it into context – “I am really overwhelmed by all that is happening, I could really use some help and thought that writing it out might be helpful” – and then I lay out what I need, either by asking for one specific thing or by laying out options.
Being both direct and concrete like this will hopefully help to take the emotions and potential for drama out of the situation. I know asking for help is hard, but I applaud you for taking this step and hope that you soon get the support you need and deserve. Hang in there!