A woman in midlife hits her max with job and family pressures, so Jessica shares some thoughts on how to manage sandwich generation overwhelm in a way that is authentic and realistic.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
HEY JESSICA: Can you please share your thoughts on how to stay focused when there is so much happening? Between work, aging parents, my eldest applying for college this year, and all that is happening in the world right now I feel like I am constantly being pulled in different directions and can’t get anything done. I hate how distracted I am and really want to get back to my usual, productive self. I need to learn how to manage sandwich generation overwhelm. Help! ~It’s All Too Much
DEAR IT’S ALL TOO MUCH:
It sounds to me like you’ve got a bad case of midlife! All kidding aside, being in the place you are right now is super uncomfortable, especially for people who usually pride themselves on their productivity, which it sounds like you do.
So, first, I want to start with a reality check. It sounds like you are at one of those pivotal midlife moments when all of the things are coming at you at once – work obligations, supporting your parents through big changes (which is also a role reversal that can be hard, both emotionally and practically), and getting your kid over the applying-for-colleges finish line (which is also both emotionally and practically hard to manage). You will not be able to do it all at once. Period. This doesn’t mean that you are a failure in any way, shape, or form, it just means that there are not enough hours in the day to get it all done, even if you had the energy to keep going non-stop. So, you are going to have to pick and choose what you can and can’t accomplish, and then be at peace with letting go of the pieces you can’t do right now.
But how do you pick and choose? To my mind, the best way manage sandwich generation overwhelm is to ask yourself a couple of questions:
- Which of these things have active deadlines that must be met?
- Are there people who can help by taking any of these items off my plate, or at least pitching in?
- Which pieces are the most emotionally important for me to focus on?
Without knowing the details, here are some ways I would look at things in the situation you described. In terms of work, perhaps you pick 1-2 things that you are going to focus on doing well and you let the other things either slip or you ask a teammate if they can pitch in during this tricky phase of your life. Other solutions might be to ask for extensions; to come to terms with the reality that you aren’t going to do your best work right now, but you’ll bounce back once you’ve got the bandwidth again; or to hire someone to do some of the busy work you don’t have the time for (this is more for entrepreneurs).
As for your aging parents, this is also when calling for help or pushing back deadlines or expectations might be helpful. Do you have siblings or other family or community members who might be able to pick up the slack for you while you’re in this intense moment? Or, if you have the funds, would it be helpful to hire someone to help them out in the short term? Are there items on your aging-parent-to-do list that could be pushed back for a few months without bad repercussions? If your parents are still able to care for themselves, are there tasks you could ask them to work on now that could help make things easier later (for instance, cleaning out closets or getting documents in order)?
And then there is the kid applying to college piece. This is, in some ways, the task that has the most clear-cut urgency since there are established deadlines that are coming up quickly. And it’s also incredibly emotionally wrought – either because you are mourning the major change that is about to happen or because your relationship with your child is super tense at the moment (both the college application process and the leaving home separation are incredibly challenging moments in the parent-teen relationship), or both. But it’s also a piece where there are ways to simplify. Perhaps your kid is mature enough to manage most of the application stuff on their own and so the real task here is emotional management. If this is the case, then do your best to trust your kid and give them the space to do their thing as independently as possible, letting them know, of course, that you are willing and able to support them in whatever ways they need. Or, perhaps this is a place where the other parent (if the other parent is in the picture) could be the main helper and you take a supporting role. Finally, if you have the funds, you could hire someone to help with the application piece, so you can focus on the emotional side.
And then there is the state of the world… The reality here is that the state of the world is pretty much outside of your control (unless you are in a position of major power and influence, though even in those cases there are huge limitations), which means this one is serving as a distraction. So, here, I would recommend the following: (1) limiting how much media to take in—you want to stay informed, of course, about all that is happening, but reading every article, listening to every podcast, or watching every video about a major news story (from hurricanes and climate change to elections to wars) isn’t going to do anything but increase your stress and make it harder to concentrate; (2) if you feel that you need to take some sort of action, pick one topic to work on and one small action to take—if it feels uncomfortable not doing more, remember that once this intense season of life is over, you will have a lot more bandwidth to take the action or make the changes you dream of.
Finally, I think it’s important to note that in addition to all of the pulls on your time, if you are in midlife, you are also likely navigating some pretty intense hormonal shifts which (1) can make you more emotional and (2) have been shown to actually make it harder to concentrate. So be patient with yourself and know that this piece is temporary – the brain fog will lift!
The reality is that you will never be able to do it all, and that is OK. Instead, the goal is to use the wisdom you have accrued over the years to prioritize your activities at any given time and then trust yourself, so that you can set the guilt aside and focus on the pieces that matter most.