A woman struggles to figure out how to support a tween who is being body shamed by her own mother, who happens to be a good friend. Jessica offers ideas on how to become a positive presence in the tween’s life without blowing up the friendship by shaming the parent.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
How to Support a Tween Who is Being Body Shamed
HEY JESSICA: I’m in an awkward spot and I’d love to know what you think. I have a friend who is incredibly body conscious. She talks all the time about how her body isn’t what she wants it to be and has tried pretty much every diet under the sun. As someone who has my own body issues, it makes me uncomfortable, but I have learned to just let her say what she needs to say and not let it get to me. But there’s one part of her obsession with thinness that I really struggle with and that’s how she talks about and responds to her tween daughter’s weight. She thinks that her daughter is fat and for years has been trying to get her to lose weight. Recently, she told me that she found candy wrappers in her daughter’s room and is livid. I’ve tried to gently remind her that her daughter is still growing and to point out all the ways that she is an awesome kid, but my friend is just obsessed. I know it would ruin our friendship if I were more direct, but it is killing me to watch this wonderful kid have to deal with all of this negativity. Is there any way that I could intervene in this tricky situation that would actually be helpful? ~A Concerned Friend
DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND:
Oof. That sounds like a really painful and difficult situation, especially since it sounds like it strikes deep chords within you as well. The truth of the matter is that, even in the midst of the body positivity movement, our culture still values thinness and breaking out of that mindset can be incredibly challenging, as it sounds to be for your friend. As a general rule, I would tend to agree with you that if you want to preserve the friendship, stepping in to lecture her on her parenting is not a good idea (unless, of course, a child is in real physical or emotional danger – and there would definitely be people who would argue that this girl may be in emotional danger, but if I am reading your question correctly you don’t quite think it has reached that point).
But that doesn’t mean that you are powerless! It sounds as if you really like and care for this kid, which means that there is an opportunity for connecting directly with her. So, rather than focusing on what the mom is doing, I’d focus on becoming a resource for the girl. If you already have a close relationship with her, then you are well on your way, but if you are more of just a grownup presence, now might be the time to work on building that relationship a bit more.
Assuming you aren’t already close with her, I would start by just being a friendly regular presence in her life. When you see her, make sure to say hi, show you are happy to see her, and try to have more conversations. Ask her about the things she’s passionate about and really engage around them (it can be as simple as sharing memes you’d think she’d like or asking her about a TV show you know she loves). Another quick way to a kid’s heart is to compliment them on their style choices – notice her outfits or shoes or hairstyle. Really SEE her and help her to see that she is seen. An example of this from when I was a kid: I’ll never forget how for my 13th birthday my uncle’s girlfriend at the time gave me a copy of Ms. magazine with a card explaining that now that I had become a teenager, I should learn about feminism and how strong women are. It was a small gesture but made me feel so grownup and cool.
Once you’ve established that connection (or if you already have), then the next step is to serve as an alternate voice in her life. Be a voice of positivity for her – not just on body size but on everything. Tell her she is beautiful. Tell her she is smart, strong, fierce, funny, interesting, or whatever other wonderful things she is. In short, find ways to praise features that you love about her (both physical and non) – just make sure you are being genuine because kids can sense B.S. from a mile away. Show that you see her for her whole, wonderful self.
Another thing you can do, once you have won her trust and respect as a badass woman in her life, is to offer a different perspective on bodies and beauty. Find ways that don’t seem contrived to mention how beautiful you think certain bigger-bodied women are, either directly to her or in larger conversations with groups that she is a part of. Talk about women that you think are badasses in other ways – showing that not everything is about size or appearance. In short, find ways to let it be known that there are other perspectives on the value of thinness.
There is a lot of value in being the “other grownup” in a kid’s life. These grownups were incredibly important to me as a kid, a teen, and a young adult, and it is a role I now cherish in the lives of some of my friend’s kids and with my nephews. If you can be one of those “other grownups” for her, if you can offer a different perspective, it won’t undo all the damage that may happen at home. But offering a safe haven, an alternate emotional landing place, a different perspective is a gift that you can give and one that will hopefully stick with her in the years to come.