A woman worries about what marriage in the empty nest years will look like. She wonders what they will talk about and what interests they will share. Jessica normalizes the fear and then offers some potential options for facing this concern head on.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
Marriage in the Empty Nest Years
HEY JESSICA: I love my spouse, and we make a good team, but we have very different interests and passions in the world. I worry that when kids are out of the house we will drift apart. I have a recurring bad dream about us sitting at dinner, with nothing to say. Where should I look for inspiration for this next chapter in life, to help me stay close with my spouse? ~Devoted But Nervous
DEAR DEVOTED BUT NERVOUS : Thank you for asking this super important question! When I first started thinking about working to support women in midlife, I went on a fact-finding mission that included interviews with a handful of women and then a survey of a much larger group. In both cases, one of the concerns I heard most was exactly what you are describing: fear about what marriage in the empty nest years will look like. Many people expressed concern that once the kids have left the nest, there won’t be much to hold the partnership together anymore. Given this is such a common worry, I have been thinking a lot about why it might be and what can be done about it.
First, I think we have to ask ourselves why so many women in midlife are concerned that they don’t share many common interests with their spouses/partners. And I have come to believe that it is actually an offshoot of what, I think, is one of the best parts of the midlife stage for women: we start to prioritize our own desires more. We’ve all heard the stereotype that the best thing about getting to your 40s/50s is that you start caring a lot less what other people think. And that is true. But the other way to look at this phenomenon is that you are paying closer attention to your own desires and needs. You are, perhaps for the first time in your life, prioritizing yourself (at least to a certain extent). And, as we get more in tune with what our priorities and interests are for this next stage of life, it can become clear that those interests differ from those of our partner. This can be uncomfortable and even scary, but it doesn’t have to be, especially if you can (1) be honest with yourself about what it is you want and (2) communicate honestly and openly with your partner.
Before you share your concerns with your partner, though, I think it’s important to get really clear about what it is you want, both in terms of activities you want to engage in and in terms of how you want your relationship to look. To do this, I would start by taking some time to imagine what you want your life to look like once you are an empty nester. Will you be working more or less than you are now? Are there activities, passions, or hobbies that you are excited to pursue? Are there any activities that you really hope you and your partner can do together? Do you want a partnership where you two do everything together or are you interested in sharing some activities but also having passions that you engage in separately? Really try to imagine the ideal for yourself in detail. You can do this as a writing/journaling exercise, as a thought to ponder on a walk, or as something to think about, off and on, for a few weeks.
Once you have reached some clarity for yourself, then it’s time to actually talk with your partner about the fear you have, but also your vision for what you want life to look like. There is, of course, a chance that none of this has even occurred to them and they will be stunned by it, but there is also a chance that it is worrying them, too. Either way, getting it out in the open so it can be faced head on is important. If you’re worried that their feelings will be hurt by this confession, then I would recommend starting out with (and reiterating as necessary) that you are bringing this up because you love them and want to have many wonderful decades together, but that you also want to make sure that both of you are fulfilled and happy as individuals as well. In your question, Devoted but Nervous, you asked where to “look for inspiration” and the truth is that I think inspiration will come from the two of you. And if doing this on your own is too scary, then I would highly recommend finding a couples therapist who can help the two of you work through this issue together.
If you two really share no common interests (outside of kids and daily life), then it’s time for you two to do some brainstorming. Try to think of some things that you might be able to do together that could be really fun. This is an opportunity to dream, so really go for it! Think big! One place to start on this is at the very beginning… when you first got together, were there things you loved doing together that you could bring back into your lives? Or, is there a skill you’d both be interested in learning, places you’d love to travel to, volunteering you could both enjoy, an organization or issue you’d both love to be involved with? And, finally, another approach would be to ask, is there a passion of yours that you’d love to share with your partner or vice versa? When I left for college, for example, my dad decided to start riding horses because that was a passion of my mom’s. Whatever you come up with doesn’t have to be set in stone or the permanent answer, but it will at least get you both to start thinking about what you can share together.
Finally, I want to make a plug for a balance between independence and togetherness. While those little old married couples who do everything together are adorable and admirable, that is the exception rather than the rule. I personally think there is a lot to be said for finding a shared activity or passion, while also maintaining our own, separate interests, too. If there are passions that you really want to pursue that your partner just isn’t interested in, that’s OK and you should still follow those passions, either on your own or with a friend! So, take that pottery class, sign up for that volunteer job, book that trip with a friend instead or your partner (or be a true badass and go solo)! Not only will it bring you joy, but it will also give you two more to share with one another at that dinner table.